I stumbled in here today, and realized it's been just shy of exactly 4 years since I published a blog post. Four years, yet a liftetime of changes it seems! Heck, even blogs are basically outdated at this point. It is this outdated, likely never read, nature that is so appealing to me today. Because these 4 years have seen so much; I have so much to say yet fumble for words.
First, the children: Teddy is 9 and in 4th grade. He is a reader, a consumer of knowledge, a curious, cautious boy. He challenges me emotionally, similar to how he did at 2 and 3. He feels things deeply, thinks about things deeply, and craves deep connection. We have started to read the same book at the same time to discuss, and I love this way of being his mother.
Adelyn is 7 and in 1st grade. She is a smart observer, an enthusiastic Yahtzee player, an athlete. She loves to play with both of her brothers, usually easing into whatever play in which they are engaged. She is attuned to others' emotions, but sometimes struggles expressing the complicated feelings. She is the first to go down a water slide and encourage others to join her.
Carter is 4 and in full day Pre-K. He is an always-in-motion, big love, extroverted, inclusive kind of guy. I was reading his birth story I wrote almost 4 years ago, and was struck by the peacefulness of his birth. While I don't think of his as peaceful at this point, I do think his temperament is one of ease - he can get along with almost anyone, he can compromise, he is quick to laughter and shares his love freely and regularly.
As these three have grown and evolved, so have I. They have always been my best teachers (I imagine they will continue to be). One thing I/we are continually working on is managing/observing/navigating emotions. Isn't it true that as we grow we really are just finding new ways to deal with the basic
emotions over and over and over again? How can I be angry with you? How do I
express joy, sadness, frustration, anxiety? Can you really tolerate my emotions? As I lead the kids through all these emotions I am really just relearning them
myself.
I am learning how to contain all the emotions, to allow them enough space, the right shape of space to occupy. Does your love need a tight squeeze or a loud exclamation? Does your anxiety need wide open breath or blanket fort and back rub? Will any of these things consume us whole? One of my biggest awakenings has been about my own ability to trust others with my emotions. Will this other person dismiss my experience, diminish my emotions? Or are they able to simply say "I hear how you are feeling"? When I am able to tolerate any of the kids' big emotions, I am better able to tolerate my big emotions. When I can hear how frustrated they are, no matter the concrete topic, and allow them to be fully seen, I feel like I have succeeded in mothering.
I hope with all my heart that these three see me as the softest place to land. I hope they never feel my expectations of them as unattainable. I hope I never place them in a position to be more or less than they are. I hope they always share all their emotions with me, and that I am always able to provide some of what they need. I hope they always know how cherished they each are. I hope they never question how truly grateful I am to be their mother, that they are my teachers.
