Odd serenity

I'm laying face up in bed, a dull headache (lack of sleep?) pulses at my temples. I throw my arm across half my face covering my right eye. I hear your quick, shallow breathing - rhythmic and comforting; the humidifier gurgles. A (un)expected police siren blares on the street below us. The noises of the city do not disturb the odd serenity of our bedroom.

I debate whether to roll myself out of bed. Do I dare move a muscle and risk disturbing you? It's not that I don't want to see you first thing in the morning; it's that I haven't had a morning where I've waken up on my own in months. It's that to creep out of bed, across the room, and out the door would mean risking disturbing the odd serenity in your crib.

After a few minutes I decide to lightly pad, feet in fluffy white slippers, out the door. I have no idea when you'll wake, what today will bring. And so the these first few moments, before you break open the day, are quiet and ripe with anticipation and oddly serene.

When there are no words

Just when I'm ready to throw in the towel,
bury my head in the sand,
raise the white flag
in concession to this tiny, 12-ish pound human,
he goes and does something unbelievably cute to make me reconsider.

First? It was the smiling. Then? He found his hands (and more recently, his feet).

Today? I made him laugh.

And all the sleepless nights, and all the crying, and all the poopy diapers, and all the questioning of myself is instantly all worth it.

He laughed. And, heck, I did too. Because sometimes life is funny and gives you just what you need when you need it.

Firsts

It has been a very long time since I last posted. Being a mom is hectic people!!

Ok, really - honest?

I've been overwhelmed for the past month or so. I think it has been a mix of the holidays, traveling, adjusting to (stay-at-home) motherhood, lack of sleep (oh yeah, I'm still using this excuse - ahem, see picture for evidence of said exhaustion), and shorter days. But also, I've been overwhelmed with the many firsts of Teddy's short life thus far. Here is a short list of some of the awesome firsts (some of which will be the subject of other posts, I'm sure):

1. Discovering his feet for the first time ("seriously?? Those things are attached? I can move them?!")
2. Airplane ride (oh yes, we did pay $3 for his first wings because no child should be without them)
3. Laugh
4. Trip to the ocean (although we couldn't quite get his little toes in the ocean)
5. Christmas
6. Blizzard


There are just as many firsts for B and I (first time I nursed in public [on an airplane, no less], first time B has had more than a few days at time straight with Teddy since his birth). I know that this whole first year is filled with "firsts," but I'm finding these most recent ones a bit exhausting!

I'm hoping a few days rest and a few cups of coffee will do the trick for me and my little family.

Murphy's Law of Parenting

You will find a pair of jeans that you can squeeze into despite the extra 5lbs that you still need to lose.

You will bundle yourself up, and your infant, only to realize that he needs a diaper change and you haven't brushed your teeth yet.

You will change his diaper and brush your teeth...and re-bundle both bodies up.

You will fight the December wind getting to the car with said infant.

You will start the car and said infant will start screaming bloody murder for no apparent reason.

You will drive to the store hoping the car ride lulls him peacefully to sleep. You will hit every red light.

You will park, and attempt to exit the vehicle with said infant still screaming.

You will decide to give in, and return home.

You will park at home, open the door to retrieve the stroller, and nearly get your head taken off by your vehicle's rear door (due to above said wind).

You will open the side door to retrieve said infant only to realize he has finally closed his eyes and is sleeping peacefully.

Dear Teddy,

Happy 2 month birthday little man! This picture-letter will update you on the highlights of what has been your second month as an outside-baby.

Life has been busy with you, and you seem to be taking in more and more everyday. Sometimes it's enough to make you just pass out with exhaustion.
You've officially discovered your hands and have started to deliberately bring them to your mouth. You are getting more accurate by the day.
Although this picture may suggest otherwise, you are still not a huge fan of "tummy time."
You would much prefer sitting on our laps and staring at our handsome mugs.
People keep commenting on how small you are, but to me you've gotten so big! Check out this awesome double chin you sport from time to time:

This month also included your first big adventure. We took you on the road to visit your Grandma Jan and Papa Bob for Thanksgiving. You were a great little traveler!
While there, you met your cousin Emily for the first time. She liked your chiny-chin-chin too.
The trip also included a visit to your Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa's farm in Portland, NY for the wedding of Daddy's cousin Janine. I dare say you stole the show with your handsomeness. (Check out those awesome dragon booties you got as a present from Daddy's cousins Nick and Audrey!)
However, without a doubt the best part of this whole month, little goober? The smiles!!! The genuine, I'm-feeling-happy-because-you-did-something-funny, smiles. The smiles are what makes me not get mad when I discover poop on my jeans after changing you. The smiles are what erase the frustration when it's 3am and you are awake in your crib wanting to play (and then just glance up at me with one of those handsome little smiles as if you're thinking "oh hey Mom! Let's play with Mrs. Cow again!"). Your smile melts my heart every single time, as if I've never seen you smile before that instant. I hope you never go a day without smiling.

I haven't gone a day without smiling for exactly 2 months now.
Love,
Mom

Things I've learned from my infant (so far)

1. Milk is so delicious you can live off of it.
2. You sleep much more soundly next to someone who loves you.
3. Sometimes you just need your mom.
4. The back of our couch is beyond interesting.
5. My hair can entertain for hours (ok, minutes).
6. Talking to yourself can be insanely (pun intended) cute.
7. One little smile really can change someone's day.
8. Sometimes crying is the only way to communicate.
9. If you're feeling overwhelmed, just close your eyes and go to sleep.
10. Sometimes you just need your dad.

And finally, one thing I already knew but has been confirmed:
Naps are the best thing since sliced bread.

On letting go

Even though Teddy is still itty-bitty, I'm realizing that he's already growing and changing so fast. And that can only mean letting him go in small, itty-bitty ways.

First up? Letting him sit on his own in his tub for his bath.

On adjusting

Teddy is now 5.5weeks old and I'm finally having flashes of feeling like his mom. This is something that is so hard to describe - both the not feeling like his mom and the blossoming motherhood feeling. Can I blame the former on sleep deprivation? (I think that I can still get away with that excuse for a few more weeks, so I'll milk it for all it's worth.)

The truth is what everyone says about becoming a parent is true: it is the hardest thing, the most rewarding thing, and something that can sometimes take time to develop. I never had moments of not loving Teddy or looking at him and not feeling connected. But I think my rational mind is still finding it hard to believe that he's mine. That B and I created this tiny little human. That he is not on loan to us from some relative or friend for a few weeks. These realizations are both exhilarating and terrifying.

But today? Today I've been having moments of feeling like Teddy's mom. It's in the way I can now maneuver the car seat and stroller in and out of my car in less than 5 minutes; it's in the way Teddy glances at me and there is a spark of recognition or (if I'm really lucky) a smile; it's in the pride I feel every time someone new tells me how stinkin' cute my kid is (because, really, have you seen him lately?? C.U.T.E.).

Today I feel like Teddy's mom. Tomorrow I may go back to feeling like a babysitter or a giant boob. But today I am mom.

Dear Teddy,

I'm a day late (and more than a dollar short), but I'm hear to tell you all about your first full month of life! The highlights: you were born, you ate some (and gained some weight - 7lbs 6oz as of this week), you slept alot, and you still amaze me with your cuteness. Seriously, little one, I wonder if I'll ever look at you and not marvel!

In other news, you got your first toys - a play mat on which you've spent lots of time. Mainly you just stare at the bunny rattle and cow mirror. I keep telling you to talk to the baby in the mirror and sometimes you oblige. Mostly you just make silly faces, which is just as good in this house.

You've gotten lots of presents from lots of kind people. One of those gifts included this adorable onesie from Mommy's undergraduate college. (Thanks Kati! Go Norse!) But the probably the biggest news, little monkey, is that you are beginning to smile. Just this morning I came over to you laying on the couch and started talking to you. And by golly if you didn't look me in the face and give me a big, gummy, open mouthed smile! I have a feeling you will be doing lots more smiling in the next few weeks - and hopefully you'll let me take a picture of that big, gummy smile to share with the world.

This month you've joined us on quite a ride. Life is definitely forever changed now that you are here. It hasn't always been easy or pretty. But, Teddy, you are so, so loved.

Love,
Mom

Teddy's heart = 2; Doctors' predictions = 0

You're lying there, stripped down to your diaper, content. The pediatrician places the stethoscope on your chest and the room is still. You admire the contrast of a black cord on a pale wall. Then she tells us, "I hear a murmur in his heart and I think you should have a cardiologist check it out."

And it takes a few hours for that news to sink in. The irony hits right away, of course. From my doctor telling me you didn't have a heartbeat to your pediatrician telling me there was something wrong with that heartbeat, I realize that it's no small coincidence that I'm a bit heart-obsessed.

So your dad and I venture to the cardiologist one drizzling weekday morning. We wander through a maze of doctor's offices until we finally locate a bustling practice with children everywhere. I briefly think about all those little hearts that have just begun loving, and all those parent-hearts that are so close to breaking.

I quiet you during the sonogram with slow strokes to your cheek, and you look around the dark room. Every once in a while you gaze at the black and white image on the screen. And again the irony hits me - my little baby, with whose heart I was so obsessed with seeing during the 9 months of my pregnancy, is looking now at an image not much different than I saw of his own heart. We look at your heart together.

We dress you in the cardiologist's office while we wait for her to deliver the results. Before she even sits down she proclaims, "well, he's totally normal." We nod our heads because of course our baby is normal; of course his heart is in fine working condition.

It's not until later that I think to myself, "no, Mrs. Cardiologist, you have no idea how extraordinary this little heart is to me."

Happy Halloween!

It's Teddy's very first holiday! There are really no words that can do justice to how stinkin' cute this kid is, so I'll just show you the pictures of Teddy the monkey.


Happy Halloween everyone!

The first cloth diaper

This past weekend, being the new parents that we are, we ran out of diapers. With only 2 little newborn Pampers in our possession (that will live in the diaper bag from now on)*, we had but one option: Bust out the fluff!!

"What is fluff?" you might wonder. Here is Exhibit A:
Cloth diapers are often referred to as fluff by those who swear by them due to the "fluffy butt" they create. (There are tons of advantages to cloth, from what I've read, but one disadvantage is that they will never be as slim and trim as disposables.) Given that Teddy is still under 7lbs, and most cloth diapers are made for babies 7+lbs, our smallest dipes go down to his knees. And since he has no butt yet, he doesn't so much have a fluffly butt, but more like a fluffy midsection.

I will not lie - I laughed out loud when we first put these on him. I mean, come on, it's comical, right?!!! And yet so stinkin' cute I can't stand it. (By the way, does the mom gene that is born when you have a child include a change in sight that makes everything your child does adorable?) He will grow into these diapers over the next few months, and they should last us until around his 5th month (at which point we'll get some bigger cloth diapers).

And I'll be sure to post some more pics when the fluff is more evident rather than looking like some torture device.

One last pic for good measure :)

*Beware: This post has excessive use of parentheses (no idea why, but apparently it's my thing today).

This morning

Holding this position is my new workout. I'm building arm muscles that I never knew I had.
At least one of us is comfortable (and dressed in real clothes by 10am).

Better late than never...

He's here!!!!!!! And he's already almost 2 weeks old. I realize this is not a big milestone to most, but my mind spins at all that has happened in these past 2 weeks. I'm going to attempt to write a birth story, but some of the details are blurry. However, I think the factual details matter less and less the more time passes. And the things that are crystal clear - those are the things that matter.

The facts are that I was induced on Sunday Oct 3 and that less than 12 hours later we had our little boy. After we got checked in (and the nurse told me that my blood pressure was a bit high, (um, yeah, it's called "I'm-about-to-have-a-life-changing-painful-event-happen") the doctor checked me and the induction was underway. Within in minutes I began experiencing contractions. I remember telling B at one point that it literally felt like I was being split in half from the inside out. That is the best way I can describe it, and yes, I do still remember that pain!

I was given sleep meds, but never did sleep because of the pain of the contractions. Around 2am my water broke. And this is where all the details get fuzzy (I blame the inactive Ambien :)). I know that I was only 1-2cm dilated and that I got an epidural for the pain. I know that the doctor was concerned about the baby's heart rate during the contractions, which were coming one on top of the other despite my lack of dilation. I know they gave me meds to slow down the contractions and that this didn't really help. And I know that shortly after all of this, the doctor said the dreaded words "we need to do a c-section."

I asked her what would happen if I didn't have the surgery, and her response was "he'll be brain dead." Um.....well, ok then! We would learn after the fact that the placenta had been compromised due to my being past my due date by about a week. In fact, it would never have sustained the baby through a long labor and delivery. We also learned that his cord was wrapped around his neck which would have further complicated a vaginal delivery. All of this is to say, a c-section seemed inevitable for many reasons.

At 4:42am on October 4, Theodore Robert was born! Teddy was 6lbs 14ozs and was 20 inches long. He was perfectly healthy and had a head full of hair.
As I said, the past two weeks have been crazy! I can't even begin to explain the changes in all three of us. But I do remember one particular moment that transformed me. The first night in the hospital I was holding Teddy after having fed him. It was late sometime Monday night/Tuesday morning; the room was dark; I was delirious with exhaustion. My mind was still trying to grasp the fact that this was my baby; this was the baby I had been dreaming about for almost 10 months. I was memorizing his little face and his little hands were peeking out over the swaddled blanket. And then it happened.

His big, midnight blue eyes focused for just a few moments on mine. I knew that he was looking directly at me because my heart stopped for just a second. And I fell in love with him at that moment. 100%, head-over-heels, I-would-do-anything-for-you kind of love.

It's a moment I will never forget. The moment my first born son looked me in the eyes. The moment I knew love beyond measure. The moment something new was born in me too.

Cliff diving

My eyes are closed and when I open them, I'm standing on a cliff. Barefoot, there are smooth stones under my feet. Warm sun and light breeze grace my skin. Looking out all I see is clear blue sky.

And then I look down. And there is a long way to fall. I know the only way into the water below is to jump. I'm not sure when I will jump and, having never jumped before, I don't know exactly what to expect. Lots of previous divers have told me about the sting of the water, the plunge that never seems to end, the moment you think you won't reach the surface but just keep sinking. I trust these divers, but I still don't know exactly what my jump will be like.

So I take a deep breath. The anticipation feels like fear on the inhale and surrender on the exhale. I close my eyes and breathe and wait.

Dear Baby A,

One more day until you are officially due to arrive. One more day to rest. One more day to be just B and M. One more day to enjoy stillness and quiet. One more day to feel you roll and twist in my tummy. One more day to sleep whenever I want. One more day to be in between. One more day to wonder about you. One more day to carry your heart.

We spent yesterday getting an ultrasound (one last time to see you all scrunched up inside) and a nonstress test (one last time to hear your heartbeat). Everything looked good, you were shaking your head at us and opening and closing your mouth. I secretly think it was because that lady with the wand was pushing on you oh-so-hard (I know, little man, it hurt me too). And of course seeing that your kidneys and liver and bones were all looking like they ought to was great.

But seeing your beating heart (one last time) was a gift. I probably won't ever be able to see your heart again like I have over these last 9ish months. I won't be able to rely on its chug-a-chug-a-chugging to ease my worries about your safety and health. (And as you'll come to learn, I can be a bit of a worry wort at times.) I guess it just means that I'll have to look for your heart in other ways...in what makes you smile and laugh and cry and jump and be still.

And while I savor one more day being pregnant, you are one day closer to being in my arms. And in your dad's arms. We are so excited to love you face to face, one day at a time.

Love,
Mom

W.A.I.T.I.N.G

If I could input a sound into this post it would simply be a ticking clock.

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Time seems to inch by when waiting on life-changing events.

Dear Baby A,

I wish I could just insert a squeal right here instead of words sometimes! And if I could, I would...squeal, that is. It's really the only thing that I can think of to express how I'm feeling, little man. Why, you ask (or will ask once you hit that ohsoglorious toddlerhood age of why,why, why)? Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me that I am a fingertip dilated, 50% effaced, and that your head is engaged. That is doctor-jargon for "you're getting ready to be born in the next few weeks!"

After that news, your dad and I were these anxious-excited little bundles of soon-to-be-parents. We spent time (finally) packing the hospital bag, talking about ways to speed up your arrival, and hanging out watching the US Open Men's final and Monday Night Football. Your dad is still convinced you're coming early, and while I hope you do, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high.

As we get nearer and nearer the day, I have such mixed emotions. There are no words for the joy, excitement, anticipation, fear, and disbelief that I feel at any given moment. You are coming!! You're little hands and feet will soon be punching and kicking the air, and you will take your first breath. And you'll cry and I'll cry and probably just stare at you.

A whole new, unique, individual. A whole new heart beating in the world. A whole new love.

*SQUEAL!*

Love,
Mom

37 Week Pic

I'm feeling very uninspired lately with my posts! (I mean, please, could I get more creative with the title of this post?!) I think part of it is just feeling like all I'm doing is waiting and passing time (yet trying to enjoy it as well), thus there is little to say these days. My goal is to make this a place to document Baby A's growth, especially once he decides to make his grand entrance! So, in that vein, here is the most recent belly pic from last week - 37 weeks on the dot.



There's definitely a baby in there!! Oh, and in other exciting news: I've had 2 or 3 contractions so far...in the past week. Hey, progress is progress. At least I know that my uterus is capable of contracting, and hence help me attempt to push this baby out!

Random updates

Tomorrow I will officially reach "full term" with Baby A, otherwise known as 37 weeks pregnant. True, 40 weeks is considered the length of pregnancy. Also true? After the 37 week point if I go into labor my doc won't try to prevent Baby A's grand entrance if he decides to be like his mama and arrive early. Being 37 weeks pregnant means a few news things have been happening (in addition to the major thing aforementioned (yes, I just used aforementioned in regular language, thankyouverymuch)):

• the random back pain has picked up; I can't sit or lay in one position for longer than an hour or so (this has led me to be extremely grateful that I'm not still sitting at work for 8 hours a day)
• my hip joints feel like I'm a Raggedy Ann doll - it sometimes feels like my legs may just hang floppily from my torso and I wonder if I should really trust that they can get me from the bed to the toilet
• speaking of that bed-toilet journey - it has yet to take place more than once or twice per night, so I'm thinking that Baby A has yet to "drop"
• on the other hand, Baby A's crazy bump (see below) is definitely lower and at times sitting right in my belly button which makes me hope that he's "dropping"
• the nesting comes in spurts - last week I was all about organizing and cleaning; this week reading a book and napping seems like a better day to me

And my final random thought involves a picture from last week. I must preface this by saying that for the past few weeks the belly has been obviously lopsided. There's this big, hard bump on my upper left side that I'm believing to be Baby A's butt. Usually I can notice it but don't think a random stranger would notice. However, I was getting ready to do some of the aforementioned (shebang, that's twice in one post) cleaning and realized that the lopsided had taken on drastic proportions. Just check out this pic from mama-cam (i.e. looking down at my bump):

I mean isn't that crazy??!! (Let's not comment on how I can't see my toes or legs when I look down.) I don't have that nice round, basketball look like I imagined I would. Rather, the belly is constantly changing shapes as Baby A rolls and settles into what I can only imagine are ridiculous acrobatic positions. As long as those acrobatics don't move him from the current head-down position, I have no problem with it!

It provides for a good chuckle between my fiction reading and watching the Today Show Throws a Wedding segments (which will happen on Baby A's due date, by the way. I thought that was cool, partly because last year when Today Threw a Wedding it took place the Wed before my own Fri wedding in July. *birds chirping* Hey, I warned you that this post was full of randomness!).

ohmygodican'tbelieveit

Well, we've officially reached September, aka: Baby A's birth month (we're hoping)! I have slightly mixed feelings about this day. There is a small part of me that knows I will probably have moments of missing being pregnant with Baby A. Being pregnant has, in many ways, taught me to be a bit more gentle with myself both physically and emotionally. (But I would be lying if I said I'm also not looking forward to being able to push myself in a long run again soon!)

Despite the end of the pregnancy nearing, I'm mainly excited.
I'm excited to meet Baby A!
I'm excited to see his little face and pinch his cheeks and have him grab my finger with his tiny hand.
I'm excited to get to know his personality and quirks.
I'm excited to make eye contact with him.
And I can't wait for the day when he looks at me and I know that he knows I'm his mom. That could be the day that my heart overflows.

Grounding

I started out today thinking I would attempt another Top 10 post. But, as I set out to think of the Top 10 Things I'll Miss About Being Pregnant, I could think of only my number 1 thing:

I will miss feeling Baby A move inside me.

Without a doubt, the very best thing about being pregnant is feeling the baby move. Now that Baby A is getting pretty squished and tight in there, his kicks and rolls and jabs can be especially powerful. The movement is rarely uncomfortable physically, but it's always a joy emotionally. I know he's safe and sound and just checking out how all these crazy body parts work.

Other people are fascinated by Baby A's movements too. I've had friends see my tummy jerk with a kick; I've had family members ask to lay their hands on my belly in hopes of feeling him roll around; I've had co-workers tell me they can feel his energy. B asks daily about what the baby has been up to and I respond in turn with updates on his movements (because really, what else is there?). I get that for all of these people feeling Baby A move is really the most tangible way to make sense of this crazy process. It's a way to wrap their head around it and begin to bond with this new little guy.

And I guess that's why I love it so much too. What a physical process this whole pregnancy thing can be. For a person who is very cognitive and thought-focused, it reminds me of something very basic. Feeling Baby A move, being pregnant itself, grounds me; brings me down out of my head
and into my body
and my heart.
I have never felt such a visceral sense of love.

Dear Baby A,

I'm at a loss for words as I think about all the things I want to say to you. As I get closer to the end of this pregnancy, there is a rush of thoughts and feelings I feel the need to share. I think it all started this past Friday when we had a chance to see you one last time on an ultrasound. We hadn't seen you in over 13 weeks and my oh my how you had changed! You had bone-shaped bones and a tiny tummy doing practice breathing motions (explains all those hiccups you've been getting lately). But the craziest thing, Baby A, was when the tech flipped a little switch to a 3D image.

And just like that, we caught a quick glance of your little face.

And just like that, you became so real, so tangible, so alive to me. Tiny little lips. A tiny little hand underneath your chin.

And just like that, you had me wrapped around your tiny little fingers. I think both your dad and I got just an inkling of what it will be like when you make your arrival and we can look you in the eyes - how our hearts will instantly grow and our world will instantly be transformed.

We are so ready for you, little man. You are so very loved.

Love,
Mom

Laboring

This past Sunday B and I attended the Childbirth Preparation class at the hospital. It was filled with info and made Baby A's impending arrival even more real for both of us. It got me (and I think B too) thinking pretty seriously about how I'm going to get Baby A out - what do I want to have happen and what do I want to avoid.

Before the class, I assumed I would get an epidural. It seemed like the most common way to give birth and most people I know who have given birth have had one. I think I just assumed that if most women can't stand the pain then neither can I; and I had expected this class to reinforce my sense that I'd get an epidural no matter what.

However, as we learned about different pain reduction options, as well as about how the process can look "naturally" (or without any meds - and I put that in quotes because in my mind giving birth is natural regardless of whether or not meds are used), I got to thinking that med-free really might be a goal to strive towards. The biggest motivator for me not having an epidural is that I wouldn't be confined to the bed. I really like the idea of being able to move around during labor, to change positions, to be on my hands and knees, to walk if I feel up to it, or to sit in the shower if I want. All of this will continue to allow gravity to help move Baby A down and out. Once I get the epi, I'm hooked up to monitors and horizontal until Baby A makes his grand entrance.

This realization, though, of wanting to try to labor as long as possible without pain meds, is scary to me. I feel unprepared to handle what I know is indescribable pain - I have doubts that I'll be able to do it. I've ordered some books from the library related to med-free childbirth and will start reading those asap. I just wish I didn't doubt myself so much.

I want to remain flexible in my ideal birth plan - to allow myself to give birth in whatever way feels the best to me at the moment and will result in a healthy Baby A - but I also don't want my self-doubt to determine how I go about doing this whole labor-birth thing.

I have a feeling that the labor and birth, and the likelihood that I am able to give birth sans-meds, will have just as much to do with my mental ability to push as my physical ability to push. I know that my body is designed to give birth to Baby A, but is my mind?

Belly Pics

I haven't taken an opportunity to post any belly pics of me yet. I had wanted to be religious about taking weekly pics, but alas, I just couldn't get that excited about it for some reason (ahem, see posts below about body issues). Regardless, I think it will be cool to gather the ones I do have in a neat little progression. Without further ado, here's the Baby A belly through the months:

17 weeks:

27.5 weeks:
31.5 weeks:

So there we have it thus far. It's not much, but it is funny to look back at 17 weeks. I remember thinking I looked "sooooo" pregnant. Ha! (I'm sure in 4 more weeks I'll laugh at myself for thinking that at 32 weeks I felt huge.)

Top 10

I'm trying to be a more regular blogger, but am finding it difficult. I feel like I don't have too much exciting stuff to say everyday! Life feels like a big waiting game most of the time...

So in an effort to get me going, I've come up with a few new post ideas that I'm going to give a try. First up: M's Top 10. The first of which will be (drumroll please)

M's Top 10 Favorite Pregnancy Moments Thus Far (in no particular order)
10. Having B look at me and say, "What are we going to do with a baby?"
9. Setting up the crib
8. Shopping for, buying, and organizing tiny little boy clothes
7. Free stuff from my doctor (the best things so far - wipes, diapers, and an insulated bottle carrier)
6. People's reactions to the following statement: "We're going to use cloth diapers."
5. The first time B got to feel Baby A (via a kick/punch in B's throat as he laid on my stomach)
4. The first time I felt Baby A move
3. Being able to justify my random desire for Little Debbie Zebra cakes on a "craving"
2. Naming the few stuffed animals that await Baby A in his crib (all begin with S) (don't worry - we're going to remove them once he actually sleeps in there)
1. Seeing Baby A's heartbeat the first time (duh).

Dear Baby A,

Today we've made it to 30 weeks of sharing the same body. I can't believe that in 10-ish weeks you'll be an outside-baby!! This middle part of the pregnancy has sped up for sure. I clearly remember the early days - freaking out about any little twinge or "down-there" issue. I remember the long waits between doctor appointments when I would worry that we wouldn't find a heartbeat.

And then you started kicking. And you really haven't stopped!! In the past few weeks, you move in spurts - for a few days you'll be chillin most of the time, and then the next few days you'll be freaking out in there all day (and night) long. It makes me wonder if you'll inherit my Gemini-esque dual-naturedness. The one thing that I love about your kicking and rolling and moving is that it relaxes me. I never have to worry about whether something is going wrong in there, because the second I do you remind me that you are discovering all of my internal organs with your feet.

It's hard to imagine what life will be like once you're here. And I've heard that once you are born, it's hard to imagine what life was like before you were here. I feel caught in the middle somewhere, on the verge of knowing some really cool secret. It's the true definition of anticipation. I already know you, but I can't wait to meet you, little man!

Love,
Mom

i carry your heart

I heard President Obama on TV the other day giving a speech about being a parent. He quoted the familiar line about how having a child is forever having your heart walk around outside your body. It struck me (because, who am I kidding, my obsession with Baby A's heart is obvious from this blog) in lots of ways. The realization that Baby A will soon be walking around outside my body is still a weird thought at this point.

It's obvious as well that I've had mixed (yet normal, I think) feelings about this whole pregnancy journey thing. I've had many instances of realizing that my body is no longer mine and that Baby A will literally use up all the good stuff before I even get any if I let him! But I now understand, too, how some women miss being pregnant; miss the symbiotic, protective, unique relationship you can have only as a mother. No one else in this whole wide world will EVER be able to house Baby A for these 9ish months. I alone am given that privilege.

I will be the first and only one to literally carry his heart in my body. All 4 beating little chambers.

And after I help Baby A come into the world, I'll go back to just having my own heart inside my body. This new heart that I've helped grow - half mine, half B's, fully Baby A - it will go on walking around in the world. And like so many other mothers, I imagine there will be pangs of sadness, loss interspersed with the overwhelming joy and excitement.

So today, I'll let up on the fat comments and frustrations of wearing a tent. Today I'll enjoy the limited experience of holding Baby A's heart because all too soon he'll be out in the world, walking around with it.

Dear Baby A

Oh my little boy, you sure are active these days!! There have been a few times when I've wondered what in the heck could possibly be going on in there given the amount, intensity, and randomness of movement I feel (and see!)!

Today we reached a fun milestone - 99 days(ish) until you arrive. We're into double digits little man!! Tomorrow will be officially 26 weeks down and that just seems entirely impossible. Where did the time go?

I find myself getting more and more excited lately. I'm excited to meet you and hold you and love on you with kisses and nose-rubs and head-rubs. I think your dad is getting excited too...sometimes at night he'll ask what you're doing in there and when you're going to come out and play. I can't wait for you to meet him; he really is a pretty cool guy!

I hope you are nice and cozy in there little jumping bean - I need all of the 90-ish days left to get ready for your arrival. But oh when it comes, I'll be here to greet you with wide open arms. And a wide open heart.

Love,
Mom

Dear Baby A

Happy 24 weeks to you! I'm especially excited about this milestone, because all the books and interwebs tell me that after 24 weeks, if you decide to make a grand entrance there is a better than 50% chance that you will be a happy, healthy little boy! But here me out, son, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING OUT YET. okthanks :)

I haven't written to you in a while because I've been scared, I think. I'm scared that I won't be a good mom. I'm scared that there will be days when I wish I could just have peace and quiet and no responsibility. I'm scared that I'll do something wrong - I'll be too loving or too disciplined or too something! I'm scared about what I'll have to give up to take care of you. I'm scared of how your arrival will change my marriage. I'm scared that if, one day, you read these letters and entries you'll judge me harshly or worse, that you'll question my love for you.

I feel like I must write this though, even in the off chance you do happen upon it sometime in the distant future. I must write it because it's honest. And besides teaching you that love is above all the most important thing in life, I hope to teach you that honesty is a very close second.

I hope too that my honesty about my fears will highlight that there are always two sides to every coin; that along with sunshine and rainbows there are clouds and storms. And perhaps most importantly, without the clouds and storms we couldn't enjoy the sunshine and rainbows nearly in the same degree. Am I scared about your arrival? Without a doubt. Am I equally excited and giddy about your arrival? Like a kid in a candy store. I can't wait to see the little hands and feet that are constantly banging around in my tummy. I can't wait to look into your eyes and kiss your tiny cheeks. I can't wait to love you in the flesh.

And rest assured, my little man, that even though I can be scared at times, I loved you from before you even had hands and feet and eyes and cheeks - when you were just a tiny little heart thumping away. And that I have fears only demonstrates how honestly, how deeply I love you.

Love,
Mom

Glow-Happy I am not

So much has happened since I last wrote. I realize now why I had trouble keeping a consistent journal! Sheesh!

Although I must be totally honest, here in my personal corner of the interwebs, and admit that part of why this blog has been hard for me to keep up is that I've set up false expectations of it and of myself. When I first started I had the intention of recording all of my excitement and Baby boy A's milestones during this pregnancy. So far I've done pretty good on this front. Except for one thing.

I haven't felt that pregnant-glow-happy-one-with-my-body-love lately. Yesterday, I hit the maternity store desperate for a new bra (just one would have been lovely) that fit my ever expanding chest-area. No such luck for me. I was so disheartened I nearly cried...in the dressing room...over my boobs. I was that pregnant-emotional-why-is-this-happening-to-my-body lady. I held back the tears but decided to make myself feel better by picking up a swimsuit (ha...hahaha). Again, no such luck, mainly due to the pregnant boob issue. I ended up spending 2 hours and $150 (on clothes) and leaving feeling ugly, only to get home and discover 2 new white head zits. Seriously.

It's hard for me to write this (although also very cathartic) because I never thought I'd have such a hard time with my body at this stage in my pregnancy. I can remember during most of the first trimester just wanting and craving a little baby bump so that the whole wide world would know that I had this superpower of growing a human. And for the most part, I'm ok with my now very obvious baby bump. But the two bumps above it are driving me up the wall!! And don't get me started on the teenage-boy acne.

All of this is to say, I'm feeling disillusioned at the moment. Pregnancy is (or can be) beautiful and exciting and wonderful and awe-inspiring. I still have those moments (like when I start to worry and think to Baby boy A "ok kick me so I know you're fine in there" and then he does! That rocks my face off!). But in the past few days, and really since starting this blog, it's been hard for me to say out loud that there are things I don't like about it and that it isn't always pretty and I don't feel like a sexy pregnant woman. I feel huge and ugly.

I guess this is the start of being real with myself and with Baby boy A. As much as I'd love to be that pregnant-glow-happye-one-with-my-body woman, I'm just not all the time. Nor will all the expectations I have for Baby boy A become reality. But at least I'll really know what he's going through if he ever hits that awkward-teenage-boy-with-acne-and-braces phase.

Dear baby A,

First things first, feeling you kick/punch/headbutt my cervix (as I type this, I might add) is by far the weirdest sensation I've ever felt. I much prefer it when you kick/punch/headbutt my tummy. Please take note and return to a more comfortable position. Thanks a mil!

Ok, while I wait for you to listen to me (haha), I'd like to get you prepared for you first airplane ride. We're headed to the Land of 10,000 Lakes tomorrow to visit your grandparents, cousin, and some of Mom's friends. In fact, they are throwing a nice little party in your honor. How lucky you are to already be loved and be having parties!

We got to see you last week again, and it was probably the last time for a while. It's hard to know that I won't have visible confirmation of you for months now, but it's nice that I can feel you everyday (and usually you stay away from my cervix). Your Dad is very anxious to feel you too, so anytime you'd like to throw a good hard kick/punch/headbutt my way, let me know and I'll grab him to feel. He's started talking to you almost nightly now - in his weird B-Dad voice. You never move when he's talking, but I think it's because you're wondering "what the heck is that voice?" I'm pretty sure you'll come to enjoy his B-Dad voice and probably prefer it my M-Mom voice.

I must end this note by thanking you a million times over for refraining for kicking/punching/headbutting my cervix for the last 5 minutes.
Love,
Mom

Baby Personality

Last night, B and I got to talking about Baby boy A and his "personality." B was arguing that he won't have a personality until at least a month after his birth, while I was suggesting that he will be born with a temperament that will lead into his expressed personality. This might be one of those semantic debates, but it got me thinking about Baby boy A's personality and who he'll become.

Will he be anxious about getting things done on Saturday morning (like his mom) or prefer to laze around for hours and do things in the afternoon (like his dad)?

Will he enjoy building things (like his dad) or analyzing himself and other people (like his mom)?

Will he like bananas (like his mom) or not (like his dad)?

So many questions, so many wonders, and so many years ahead to discover the answers. I just hope that my busy Saturday mornings don't get in the way of these discoveries of Baby boy A's personality.

And to end with a fun quote I saw today:
Babies are such a nice way to start people. ~Don Herold
(Humor...now I KNOW Baby boy A will get that!)

I feel that!

I need to mark this monumentous day with a short(ish) blog entry!!

I FELT BABY BOY A TODAY!!!!

It happened this morning - a few quick "flutters" as they say around 9:30am. I felt him again during my 10am session (making it very hard to focus on my client, thankyouverymuch), and I've felt him a few times off on and since then. It is super hard to describe what exactly it felt like. The best I can say is that it was a cross between flutters, bubbles, and a fishy flip-flop.

Earlier this week, after dinner, I would be laying on the couch and could feel Baby Boy A physically - as in, one part of my uterus was clearly being pushed out with either his head or his butt and it felt hard! B was able to feel it too. So I knew that any day now I might be feeling movement, as clearly he was moving around in there. Alas, after a conversation with a co-worker about how I was starting to needlessly worry about him, Baby Boy A let me know that he is well and good in there.

Of course, I immediately texted B and let him know. He asked if he could have felt it on the outside, but unfortunately Baby Boy A is still a bit too little for that. B then suggested I eat more meat to beef up this kid so he can start to feel the kicks/punches/headbutts! Maybe I can convince him that sushi is a great way to do this... :)

Christmas Eve

I've been reading a few different baby blogs, written by women who have given birth within the past few months. Looking at their little ones is so much fun. And it made me have this visceral pang today - I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU, BABY A!! Here is a quote that pretty much sums up my excitement in a bit more sophisticated way:

“Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of love.”
— Maureen Hawkins

Today, the excitement is killing me. I can imagine that this (aka. pregnancy) will start to feel like the longest Christmas Eve ever. But the present will be probably the best of my life.

Dear Baby A,

Your Dad and I found out a few days ago that you are a little boy! The ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know and we both agreed. She reported, "It's a boy. 100% sure." Your Dad had the biggest smile on his face - he looked like pure excitement. I must admit I was a bit surprised at the news, but I instantly fell in love all over again with you - my little boy. I don't know what it's like to be a little boy or to grow up into a man, so I might have to leave some of those lessons to your Dad who is one of the best men I know.

But, little boy, I do know one lesson I hope to be able to teach you. Regardless of your sex or gender, your heart is still the most wonderful part of you. Never forget that. Your heart was the very first glimpse of you I had; I hope that as you grow from a little boy into a man that you will always remember to love others fully, with all of your beautiful, beating heart.

Love,
Mom

16 Weeks down

Today marks the beginning of my 17th week of pregnancy. It really is starting to fly by at this point. Apparently, Baby A is now the size of an avocado. Mmmm...avocados....food...

Anyway, despite my love of being in my 2nd trimester, I've also been reading lots of horribly sad stories of stillbirths and infant deaths. (Dang you internet and your easy access to loads of information that may or may not have any relevance to my life!) While I do feel more confident being well past the 1st trimester, I'd be lying if I said all of my irrational fears about Baby A's health and safety were long gone. The control freak in my brain always wonders, "How can I prevent this from happening to me?!" And then the rational, calm side of my brain takes over and I remember that I actually don't have control over much of this process.

I think the best thing I can do is promise myself and Baby A that I will love him/her more everyday and enjoy each day we have together. I can't control much, but I can offer more love each morning.

More love with each beat of my heart.

A Tale of 2's

I'm officially in the 2nd trimester now, which I've seen referred to as the "honeymoon" stage of pregnancy. All of the "morning" sickness and fatigue is gone, but you aren't so huge that you're uncomfortable. For the most part, this pregnancy has been easily physically (emotionally, well, not so much), so I'm not so sure that it will feel like a "honeymoon" for me. I have started to reach a few milestones that are exciting though:
1. I've had to buy maternity pants. Regular shirts I can still wear, but my pants were not cutting it.
2. I can notice the tiniest of baby bumps, and in certain outfits, B agrees that I look pregnant.
3. We heard the heartbeat on an external doppler machine at our 14 week appointment yesterday. It sounded like a little choo-choo train just chugging along. And it reminded me of all the work Baby A is doing in there while I go about my usual day.

I continue to be amazed by Baby A. That his/her body and my body just know how to work together to support and help develop Baby A into a fully independent being. It makes me think about how, at the end of this whole pregnancy process, there will not be one new being - there will be two. Baby A and mom M.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

Finding out

I realized that I might want to have this down on "paper" someday, so I figure I'll share the story of how B and I found out Baby A was on the way:

I was convinced that my period was on the way, and was losing hope that this would be "the month." We went about our normal routine - checked out a new local brewery, attended a 1-year-old's birthday, etc. And then Thursday Jan 21, 2010 rolled around. I realized that I was getting close to "late" and figured, "why not test?" I did the whole pee-on-a-stick routine and jumped in the shower confident that when I exited, I'd see just one little sad line. However, when I glanced at the pee-stick I saw two very visible lines. I did a little happy dance by myself in the bathroom and thought of how I was going to tell B. My excitement took over any creative juice I might have had flowing, so I simply exited the bathroom - towel-clad - and asked him:
"so...??? what do you think?" (insert big goofy grin on my face)
B: "Um..yes?"
M: "Yea!!"
B: "Really??" (insert look of disbelief mixed with terror mixed with excitement)
M: "Yup!"

And then I proceeded to get dressed for work, all the while doing a little happy dance. After giving me a hug and a few more words of excitement, B left for work in what I took to be still a state of shocked excitement.

I think B and I have reacted to this news much like we do any other big news - I have a significant, immediate, emotional reaction and B responds quietly, internally at first, and over time reveals his emotions. Every day he gets more and more excited - I can see it.

Just the other day, when he didn't know I was looking, I caught him drinking his cup of coffee, staring at our most recent ultrasound pic of Baby A. The thought of that moment warms my heart. We just keep falling in love.

Morning

I'm sitting here in the quiet of morning, watching the sun rise over the Long Island Sound. And I can't help but think two things:
1. How peaceful and serene and beautiful - the stillness before the day begins, a day ripe with possibility. A life to be lived.
2. In 6 months, will I be able to appreciate a sunrise despite the utter exhaustion that I'm sure I'll be experiencing?

It's hard to admit that I'm equal parts excited and terrified.

Dear baby A

I've been wondering a lot lately.
I wonder if you'll have your dad's eyelashes.
I wonder if you'll stay out past your curfew.
I wonder what will make you laugh for the first time.
I wonder what it will be like to watch you graduate high school.
I wonder when your heart will break for the first, and I wonder if I'll be able to comfort you. I wonder if my heart will break a little too.
I wonder how you'll ever know how much I love you. (I wonder if it will be when you have a child of your own.)

Love,
Your mom

Awe-ful and awful

I loved the movie "Steel Magnolias" when I was growing up. There's a scene where bride-to-be Shelby (Julia Roberts) is asked by her friends about her wedding colors. She responds, "blush and bashful," to which her mom (Sally Fields) responds, "it looks like the church is covered in pepto-bismal!" When the church is shown to the viewer, it is true that it looks covered in pepto-colored tulle and fabric, but it's also true that there are 2 distinct shades of pink - blush and bashful - that suit Shelby's wedding perfectly.

I write all this to highlight how I've been feeling over the past week - both "blush and bashful" and "pepto-covered church." Or more appropriately: awe-ful and awful. The "morning" sickness (aka. all day sickness) has definitely hit me this past week, along with the fatigue. I've hit the bed...ok, the couch first, then the bed...by 7:30 or 8pm most nights. I'm pretty much hungry all the time, or a mix of hungry and nauseous. In short, there have been times when I've felt awful!

But this week, I continue to be in awe as well. I found a really cool website that shows what happens inside the female body as the baby grows. It renewed my sense of awe at this amazing process that my body, though it's never done it before, just knows what to do to grow this life inside. I've always been one to be in awe of biology and the human body (I can still remember visiting the cadaver lab in college, and it's probably one of my favorite class experiences). There have been many days when I've worried about my body's ability to take care of this little life. But when I start to worry, I simply remind myself that my body is healthy and knows what to do without my control-freak self messing it up! And my sense of awe at this most basic, human process calms me.

Dear baby A

It's been almost one week since I last saw you. I had an ultrasound to find out just how big you were, and there you were on that screen, looking all bean like. The most beautiful part of you to me is still your heart. That beating heart. That heart that is so teeny-tiny, yet consumes most of my thoughts.

Your dad (wow, that sounds weird to me) was there too, and it was his first time seeing you. I can't even tell you what his face looked like or what he said when he saw you, because we were both so focused on you. Taking in every little bit that we could. But afterwards, after we had called all of your grandparents and posted your little picture on our fridge, we sat together and imagined our lives with you. So many dreams and plans. So much love.

Love,
Your mom

I never knew worry until...

I was 5weeks4days pregnant. I've done lots of reading and research, but none of that prepares you for the emotional toll that awaits. The short story is that I had some concerns on Mon (5w4d) so I visited my doctor for the first time who took some blood and sent me for an early ultrasound which revealed no heartbeat. According to my doctor, based on the numbers from my bloodwork, there should have been a heartbeat. I continued to have some concerns as the week progressed and my doc advised that I was probably miscarrying and needed a D&C.

I cried and cried and cried and got angry and asked why. And then I did some more research. The day before the scheduled D&C, I called my doctor back and said "I want a second ultrasound." She obliged.

I will never forget my doctor's gasp when she saw it, her tears that came before mine as I lay on the table, the unassuming ultrasound technician just doing her daily job. There it was - just a tiny little flickering of sound waves. But I knew it was a new life, a new heart beating in me.

And I cried.

The First

Today I've been inspired. I've taken the leap. I've avoided work and plunged head first into blogging. I figure this first post will feel oddly like the first day of school - "what will they think of me?" "will the cool kids like me?" "what should I wear?"

And so I hop on the big yellow bus called blogging and join the party. I hope that this blog memoralizes, much like that lovely 6th grade school picture, all the awkwardness of my growing up. I may be a 27 year old professional, but right now I feel like I'm stepping up to the school bus doors on that first day thinking, "who will be my teacher?" I have a feeling this tiny little group of cells in my belly may be it.