Awe-ful and awful

I loved the movie "Steel Magnolias" when I was growing up. There's a scene where bride-to-be Shelby (Julia Roberts) is asked by her friends about her wedding colors. She responds, "blush and bashful," to which her mom (Sally Fields) responds, "it looks like the church is covered in pepto-bismal!" When the church is shown to the viewer, it is true that it looks covered in pepto-colored tulle and fabric, but it's also true that there are 2 distinct shades of pink - blush and bashful - that suit Shelby's wedding perfectly.

I write all this to highlight how I've been feeling over the past week - both "blush and bashful" and "pepto-covered church." Or more appropriately: awe-ful and awful. The "morning" sickness (aka. all day sickness) has definitely hit me this past week, along with the fatigue. I've hit the bed...ok, the couch first, then the bed...by 7:30 or 8pm most nights. I'm pretty much hungry all the time, or a mix of hungry and nauseous. In short, there have been times when I've felt awful!

But this week, I continue to be in awe as well. I found a really cool website that shows what happens inside the female body as the baby grows. It renewed my sense of awe at this amazing process that my body, though it's never done it before, just knows what to do to grow this life inside. I've always been one to be in awe of biology and the human body (I can still remember visiting the cadaver lab in college, and it's probably one of my favorite class experiences). There have been many days when I've worried about my body's ability to take care of this little life. But when I start to worry, I simply remind myself that my body is healthy and knows what to do without my control-freak self messing it up! And my sense of awe at this most basic, human process calms me.

Dear baby A

It's been almost one week since I last saw you. I had an ultrasound to find out just how big you were, and there you were on that screen, looking all bean like. The most beautiful part of you to me is still your heart. That beating heart. That heart that is so teeny-tiny, yet consumes most of my thoughts.

Your dad (wow, that sounds weird to me) was there too, and it was his first time seeing you. I can't even tell you what his face looked like or what he said when he saw you, because we were both so focused on you. Taking in every little bit that we could. But afterwards, after we had called all of your grandparents and posted your little picture on our fridge, we sat together and imagined our lives with you. So many dreams and plans. So much love.

Love,
Your mom

I never knew worry until...

I was 5weeks4days pregnant. I've done lots of reading and research, but none of that prepares you for the emotional toll that awaits. The short story is that I had some concerns on Mon (5w4d) so I visited my doctor for the first time who took some blood and sent me for an early ultrasound which revealed no heartbeat. According to my doctor, based on the numbers from my bloodwork, there should have been a heartbeat. I continued to have some concerns as the week progressed and my doc advised that I was probably miscarrying and needed a D&C.

I cried and cried and cried and got angry and asked why. And then I did some more research. The day before the scheduled D&C, I called my doctor back and said "I want a second ultrasound." She obliged.

I will never forget my doctor's gasp when she saw it, her tears that came before mine as I lay on the table, the unassuming ultrasound technician just doing her daily job. There it was - just a tiny little flickering of sound waves. But I knew it was a new life, a new heart beating in me.

And I cried.