Dear Baby A

Happy 24 weeks to you! I'm especially excited about this milestone, because all the books and interwebs tell me that after 24 weeks, if you decide to make a grand entrance there is a better than 50% chance that you will be a happy, healthy little boy! But here me out, son, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING OUT YET. okthanks :)

I haven't written to you in a while because I've been scared, I think. I'm scared that I won't be a good mom. I'm scared that there will be days when I wish I could just have peace and quiet and no responsibility. I'm scared that I'll do something wrong - I'll be too loving or too disciplined or too something! I'm scared about what I'll have to give up to take care of you. I'm scared of how your arrival will change my marriage. I'm scared that if, one day, you read these letters and entries you'll judge me harshly or worse, that you'll question my love for you.

I feel like I must write this though, even in the off chance you do happen upon it sometime in the distant future. I must write it because it's honest. And besides teaching you that love is above all the most important thing in life, I hope to teach you that honesty is a very close second.

I hope too that my honesty about my fears will highlight that there are always two sides to every coin; that along with sunshine and rainbows there are clouds and storms. And perhaps most importantly, without the clouds and storms we couldn't enjoy the sunshine and rainbows nearly in the same degree. Am I scared about your arrival? Without a doubt. Am I equally excited and giddy about your arrival? Like a kid in a candy store. I can't wait to see the little hands and feet that are constantly banging around in my tummy. I can't wait to look into your eyes and kiss your tiny cheeks. I can't wait to love you in the flesh.

And rest assured, my little man, that even though I can be scared at times, I loved you from before you even had hands and feet and eyes and cheeks - when you were just a tiny little heart thumping away. And that I have fears only demonstrates how honestly, how deeply I love you.

Love,
Mom