i carry your heart

I heard President Obama on TV the other day giving a speech about being a parent. He quoted the familiar line about how having a child is forever having your heart walk around outside your body. It struck me (because, who am I kidding, my obsession with Baby A's heart is obvious from this blog) in lots of ways. The realization that Baby A will soon be walking around outside my body is still a weird thought at this point.

It's obvious as well that I've had mixed (yet normal, I think) feelings about this whole pregnancy journey thing. I've had many instances of realizing that my body is no longer mine and that Baby A will literally use up all the good stuff before I even get any if I let him! But I now understand, too, how some women miss being pregnant; miss the symbiotic, protective, unique relationship you can have only as a mother. No one else in this whole wide world will EVER be able to house Baby A for these 9ish months. I alone am given that privilege.

I will be the first and only one to literally carry his heart in my body. All 4 beating little chambers.

And after I help Baby A come into the world, I'll go back to just having my own heart inside my body. This new heart that I've helped grow - half mine, half B's, fully Baby A - it will go on walking around in the world. And like so many other mothers, I imagine there will be pangs of sadness, loss interspersed with the overwhelming joy and excitement.

So today, I'll let up on the fat comments and frustrations of wearing a tent. Today I'll enjoy the limited experience of holding Baby A's heart because all too soon he'll be out in the world, walking around with it.