Righting the chaos

I'm quiet and still. It's 12:15, and I've already had lunch and gone for a 3.5 mile run and visited a friend and put my baby down for a nap. And while he dreams dreams that I can only imagine, I exhale.

But there's something else. I'm feeling victorious. I'm feeling like a pro-mom. My child is napping. In his crib, nonetheless. And I have time to think and write and feel like I am doing something right.

That's when it hits me. R.I.G.H.T. This word haunts me - as a woman and a mother. I've spent the better part of 28 years always trying to do the right thing, the best thing, the thing that will result in the most favorable outcome. That thing that, when I tell other people or look back on it myself, I'll think, "yup, I succeeded. I did it the right way." As a woman, I think about whether it's the right time to look for a job, to cut my hair, to buy a house. As a mother? Ohmeohmy. The list could be endless!

Most recently, I've been figuring out the right way I should get my child to sleep (both day and night). Do I push a routine? or let read his cues and just go with it? Do I lay him in his crib awake? or rock him to sleep? Do I not respond if he wakes up within an hour of going down for a nap? or will not responding land my adult-child in the therapy chair (ha)?

No matter what I do, when he sleeps, I feel victorious. I did something R.I.G.H.T. When he doesn't sleep? You guessed it - I can taste failure. And it tastes like disappointment + desperation + gravel.

I realize this issue of R.I.G.H.T.ness is not really about sleep. Or about schedules. Or my son.

Narcissistically, it's all about me. About my tendency to need validation, to succeed (at what?), to wrap things up in nice little bows. Because when I feel validated and successful and have a nice little bow? I feel victorious. I feel quiet and still.

And I can ignore the chaos that is being a woman and a mother.