For such a short time

To the one whose heart I never heard,

For such a short time we shared flesh and cells. For such a short time you were hope and new and ours. I never got to hear your heartbeat, never got to love you like I wanted. It was such a short time.

I don't think about you as often as I thought I might. But every once in a while your memory surprises me. Sometimes I think about you while sitting on a plastic train seat with the river rushing by, the anonymity of a Grand Central sea brings me closer to you somehow. Sometimes your memory surprises me while I lay in a dim room trying to heal a body that I at once loathe and love - both because they knew you, carried you. For such a short time.

Sometimes I think about how big you would be now. How many of your heartbeats would have already echoed in my body. Instead, silence takes up residence. But for a short time you were there. And you were loved. And you are missed. 

Forgive me if I think of you too often or too little. It's hard to know how to remember you, and I'm doing it the only way I can imagine. So I share you here, in a space that I have tried to fill with honesty and love and growth. All things we too shared. For such a short time.

Love,
Mom