I've been reading quite a few blog posts recently about motherhood and time. (Here are two of my faves.) A quote from the second link really struck me. She writes,
"Sometimes when I am having a rough week, [my mother] will tell me about how she would give anything to hold her babies as babies again."
And that's when I cried. Call it crazy pregnancy hormones or fatigue or whatever the heck you want. But I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried for the baby that I no longer have, replaced by a toddler who seems to grow by the minute. I cried for my future self, for the loss of those weighty little bodies wanting to be carried, needing to be held or fed or rocked. I cried out of sheer sadness that there are moments that pass me by, each and every day, that I can't savor because I'm distracted or tired.
I cried because how cruel is time; how long the days and how short the years. I cried out of a love I never knew, a love that has turned my heart inside out. I cried for the days that are hard, the days that are joyful, and the days that go unnoticed. Because I know there will be days in the not-so-far future where I will cry because I would love to hold my babies as babies again.
I know exactly how you feel. I miss things about Norah that have just slipped by me. I never notice the last time I do something with her and then weeks or months later it hits me that I'll never (fill in the blank) with her again. She is growing too fast and I love all of her little accomplishments but it just also makes me sad to think that soon we'll be celebrating her 1st birthday. That's why I stop to "eat her toes" everyday because soon i won't be able to. :)
ReplyDeleteOh man I needed that. Thank you. It has been a rough few weeks and I keep wishing time ahead to just get out of this icky phase, but really I want to rewind about two years as well. I need to remember to be happy with right where we are and just relish it, because it does go SOOOO fast.
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