Happy Halloween!

It's Teddy's very first holiday! There are really no words that can do justice to how stinkin' cute this kid is, so I'll just show you the pictures of Teddy the monkey.


Happy Halloween everyone!

The first cloth diaper

This past weekend, being the new parents that we are, we ran out of diapers. With only 2 little newborn Pampers in our possession (that will live in the diaper bag from now on)*, we had but one option: Bust out the fluff!!

"What is fluff?" you might wonder. Here is Exhibit A:
Cloth diapers are often referred to as fluff by those who swear by them due to the "fluffy butt" they create. (There are tons of advantages to cloth, from what I've read, but one disadvantage is that they will never be as slim and trim as disposables.) Given that Teddy is still under 7lbs, and most cloth diapers are made for babies 7+lbs, our smallest dipes go down to his knees. And since he has no butt yet, he doesn't so much have a fluffly butt, but more like a fluffy midsection.

I will not lie - I laughed out loud when we first put these on him. I mean, come on, it's comical, right?!!! And yet so stinkin' cute I can't stand it. (By the way, does the mom gene that is born when you have a child include a change in sight that makes everything your child does adorable?) He will grow into these diapers over the next few months, and they should last us until around his 5th month (at which point we'll get some bigger cloth diapers).

And I'll be sure to post some more pics when the fluff is more evident rather than looking like some torture device.

One last pic for good measure :)

*Beware: This post has excessive use of parentheses (no idea why, but apparently it's my thing today).

This morning

Holding this position is my new workout. I'm building arm muscles that I never knew I had.
At least one of us is comfortable (and dressed in real clothes by 10am).

Better late than never...

He's here!!!!!!! And he's already almost 2 weeks old. I realize this is not a big milestone to most, but my mind spins at all that has happened in these past 2 weeks. I'm going to attempt to write a birth story, but some of the details are blurry. However, I think the factual details matter less and less the more time passes. And the things that are crystal clear - those are the things that matter.

The facts are that I was induced on Sunday Oct 3 and that less than 12 hours later we had our little boy. After we got checked in (and the nurse told me that my blood pressure was a bit high, (um, yeah, it's called "I'm-about-to-have-a-life-changing-painful-event-happen") the doctor checked me and the induction was underway. Within in minutes I began experiencing contractions. I remember telling B at one point that it literally felt like I was being split in half from the inside out. That is the best way I can describe it, and yes, I do still remember that pain!

I was given sleep meds, but never did sleep because of the pain of the contractions. Around 2am my water broke. And this is where all the details get fuzzy (I blame the inactive Ambien :)). I know that I was only 1-2cm dilated and that I got an epidural for the pain. I know that the doctor was concerned about the baby's heart rate during the contractions, which were coming one on top of the other despite my lack of dilation. I know they gave me meds to slow down the contractions and that this didn't really help. And I know that shortly after all of this, the doctor said the dreaded words "we need to do a c-section."

I asked her what would happen if I didn't have the surgery, and her response was "he'll be brain dead." Um.....well, ok then! We would learn after the fact that the placenta had been compromised due to my being past my due date by about a week. In fact, it would never have sustained the baby through a long labor and delivery. We also learned that his cord was wrapped around his neck which would have further complicated a vaginal delivery. All of this is to say, a c-section seemed inevitable for many reasons.

At 4:42am on October 4, Theodore Robert was born! Teddy was 6lbs 14ozs and was 20 inches long. He was perfectly healthy and had a head full of hair.
As I said, the past two weeks have been crazy! I can't even begin to explain the changes in all three of us. But I do remember one particular moment that transformed me. The first night in the hospital I was holding Teddy after having fed him. It was late sometime Monday night/Tuesday morning; the room was dark; I was delirious with exhaustion. My mind was still trying to grasp the fact that this was my baby; this was the baby I had been dreaming about for almost 10 months. I was memorizing his little face and his little hands were peeking out over the swaddled blanket. And then it happened.

His big, midnight blue eyes focused for just a few moments on mine. I knew that he was looking directly at me because my heart stopped for just a second. And I fell in love with him at that moment. 100%, head-over-heels, I-would-do-anything-for-you kind of love.

It's a moment I will never forget. The moment my first born son looked me in the eyes. The moment I knew love beyond measure. The moment something new was born in me too.

Cliff diving

My eyes are closed and when I open them, I'm standing on a cliff. Barefoot, there are smooth stones under my feet. Warm sun and light breeze grace my skin. Looking out all I see is clear blue sky.

And then I look down. And there is a long way to fall. I know the only way into the water below is to jump. I'm not sure when I will jump and, having never jumped before, I don't know exactly what to expect. Lots of previous divers have told me about the sting of the water, the plunge that never seems to end, the moment you think you won't reach the surface but just keep sinking. I trust these divers, but I still don't know exactly what my jump will be like.

So I take a deep breath. The anticipation feels like fear on the inhale and surrender on the exhale. I close my eyes and breathe and wait.

Dear Baby A,

One more day until you are officially due to arrive. One more day to rest. One more day to be just B and M. One more day to enjoy stillness and quiet. One more day to feel you roll and twist in my tummy. One more day to sleep whenever I want. One more day to be in between. One more day to wonder about you. One more day to carry your heart.

We spent yesterday getting an ultrasound (one last time to see you all scrunched up inside) and a nonstress test (one last time to hear your heartbeat). Everything looked good, you were shaking your head at us and opening and closing your mouth. I secretly think it was because that lady with the wand was pushing on you oh-so-hard (I know, little man, it hurt me too). And of course seeing that your kidneys and liver and bones were all looking like they ought to was great.

But seeing your beating heart (one last time) was a gift. I probably won't ever be able to see your heart again like I have over these last 9ish months. I won't be able to rely on its chug-a-chug-a-chugging to ease my worries about your safety and health. (And as you'll come to learn, I can be a bit of a worry wort at times.) I guess it just means that I'll have to look for your heart in other ways...in what makes you smile and laugh and cry and jump and be still.

And while I savor one more day being pregnant, you are one day closer to being in my arms. And in your dad's arms. We are so excited to love you face to face, one day at a time.

Love,
Mom

W.A.I.T.I.N.G

If I could input a sound into this post it would simply be a ticking clock.

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Time seems to inch by when waiting on life-changing events.