Cliff diving

My eyes are closed and when I open them, I'm standing on a cliff. Barefoot, there are smooth stones under my feet. Warm sun and light breeze grace my skin. Looking out all I see is clear blue sky.

And then I look down. And there is a long way to fall. I know the only way into the water below is to jump. I'm not sure when I will jump and, having never jumped before, I don't know exactly what to expect. Lots of previous divers have told me about the sting of the water, the plunge that never seems to end, the moment you think you won't reach the surface but just keep sinking. I trust these divers, but I still don't know exactly what my jump will be like.

So I take a deep breath. The anticipation feels like fear on the inhale and surrender on the exhale. I close my eyes and breathe and wait.

Dear Baby A,

One more day until you are officially due to arrive. One more day to rest. One more day to be just B and M. One more day to enjoy stillness and quiet. One more day to feel you roll and twist in my tummy. One more day to sleep whenever I want. One more day to be in between. One more day to wonder about you. One more day to carry your heart.

We spent yesterday getting an ultrasound (one last time to see you all scrunched up inside) and a nonstress test (one last time to hear your heartbeat). Everything looked good, you were shaking your head at us and opening and closing your mouth. I secretly think it was because that lady with the wand was pushing on you oh-so-hard (I know, little man, it hurt me too). And of course seeing that your kidneys and liver and bones were all looking like they ought to was great.

But seeing your beating heart (one last time) was a gift. I probably won't ever be able to see your heart again like I have over these last 9ish months. I won't be able to rely on its chug-a-chug-a-chugging to ease my worries about your safety and health. (And as you'll come to learn, I can be a bit of a worry wort at times.) I guess it just means that I'll have to look for your heart in other ways...in what makes you smile and laugh and cry and jump and be still.

And while I savor one more day being pregnant, you are one day closer to being in my arms. And in your dad's arms. We are so excited to love you face to face, one day at a time.

Love,
Mom

W.A.I.T.I.N.G

If I could input a sound into this post it would simply be a ticking clock.

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Time seems to inch by when waiting on life-changing events.

Dear Baby A,

I wish I could just insert a squeal right here instead of words sometimes! And if I could, I would...squeal, that is. It's really the only thing that I can think of to express how I'm feeling, little man. Why, you ask (or will ask once you hit that ohsoglorious toddlerhood age of why,why, why)? Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me that I am a fingertip dilated, 50% effaced, and that your head is engaged. That is doctor-jargon for "you're getting ready to be born in the next few weeks!"

After that news, your dad and I were these anxious-excited little bundles of soon-to-be-parents. We spent time (finally) packing the hospital bag, talking about ways to speed up your arrival, and hanging out watching the US Open Men's final and Monday Night Football. Your dad is still convinced you're coming early, and while I hope you do, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high.

As we get nearer and nearer the day, I have such mixed emotions. There are no words for the joy, excitement, anticipation, fear, and disbelief that I feel at any given moment. You are coming!! You're little hands and feet will soon be punching and kicking the air, and you will take your first breath. And you'll cry and I'll cry and probably just stare at you.

A whole new, unique, individual. A whole new heart beating in the world. A whole new love.

*SQUEAL!*

Love,
Mom

37 Week Pic

I'm feeling very uninspired lately with my posts! (I mean, please, could I get more creative with the title of this post?!) I think part of it is just feeling like all I'm doing is waiting and passing time (yet trying to enjoy it as well), thus there is little to say these days. My goal is to make this a place to document Baby A's growth, especially once he decides to make his grand entrance! So, in that vein, here is the most recent belly pic from last week - 37 weeks on the dot.



There's definitely a baby in there!! Oh, and in other exciting news: I've had 2 or 3 contractions so far...in the past week. Hey, progress is progress. At least I know that my uterus is capable of contracting, and hence help me attempt to push this baby out!

Random updates

Tomorrow I will officially reach "full term" with Baby A, otherwise known as 37 weeks pregnant. True, 40 weeks is considered the length of pregnancy. Also true? After the 37 week point if I go into labor my doc won't try to prevent Baby A's grand entrance if he decides to be like his mama and arrive early. Being 37 weeks pregnant means a few news things have been happening (in addition to the major thing aforementioned (yes, I just used aforementioned in regular language, thankyouverymuch)):

• the random back pain has picked up; I can't sit or lay in one position for longer than an hour or so (this has led me to be extremely grateful that I'm not still sitting at work for 8 hours a day)
• my hip joints feel like I'm a Raggedy Ann doll - it sometimes feels like my legs may just hang floppily from my torso and I wonder if I should really trust that they can get me from the bed to the toilet
• speaking of that bed-toilet journey - it has yet to take place more than once or twice per night, so I'm thinking that Baby A has yet to "drop"
• on the other hand, Baby A's crazy bump (see below) is definitely lower and at times sitting right in my belly button which makes me hope that he's "dropping"
• the nesting comes in spurts - last week I was all about organizing and cleaning; this week reading a book and napping seems like a better day to me

And my final random thought involves a picture from last week. I must preface this by saying that for the past few weeks the belly has been obviously lopsided. There's this big, hard bump on my upper left side that I'm believing to be Baby A's butt. Usually I can notice it but don't think a random stranger would notice. However, I was getting ready to do some of the aforementioned (shebang, that's twice in one post) cleaning and realized that the lopsided had taken on drastic proportions. Just check out this pic from mama-cam (i.e. looking down at my bump):

I mean isn't that crazy??!! (Let's not comment on how I can't see my toes or legs when I look down.) I don't have that nice round, basketball look like I imagined I would. Rather, the belly is constantly changing shapes as Baby A rolls and settles into what I can only imagine are ridiculous acrobatic positions. As long as those acrobatics don't move him from the current head-down position, I have no problem with it!

It provides for a good chuckle between my fiction reading and watching the Today Show Throws a Wedding segments (which will happen on Baby A's due date, by the way. I thought that was cool, partly because last year when Today Threw a Wedding it took place the Wed before my own Fri wedding in July. *birds chirping* Hey, I warned you that this post was full of randomness!).

ohmygodican'tbelieveit

Well, we've officially reached September, aka: Baby A's birth month (we're hoping)! I have slightly mixed feelings about this day. There is a small part of me that knows I will probably have moments of missing being pregnant with Baby A. Being pregnant has, in many ways, taught me to be a bit more gentle with myself both physically and emotionally. (But I would be lying if I said I'm also not looking forward to being able to push myself in a long run again soon!)

Despite the end of the pregnancy nearing, I'm mainly excited.
I'm excited to meet Baby A!
I'm excited to see his little face and pinch his cheeks and have him grab my finger with his tiny hand.
I'm excited to get to know his personality and quirks.
I'm excited to make eye contact with him.
And I can't wait for the day when he looks at me and I know that he knows I'm his mom. That could be the day that my heart overflows.