This morning

Holding this position is my new workout. I'm building arm muscles that I never knew I had.
At least one of us is comfortable (and dressed in real clothes by 10am).

Better late than never...

He's here!!!!!!! And he's already almost 2 weeks old. I realize this is not a big milestone to most, but my mind spins at all that has happened in these past 2 weeks. I'm going to attempt to write a birth story, but some of the details are blurry. However, I think the factual details matter less and less the more time passes. And the things that are crystal clear - those are the things that matter.

The facts are that I was induced on Sunday Oct 3 and that less than 12 hours later we had our little boy. After we got checked in (and the nurse told me that my blood pressure was a bit high, (um, yeah, it's called "I'm-about-to-have-a-life-changing-painful-event-happen") the doctor checked me and the induction was underway. Within in minutes I began experiencing contractions. I remember telling B at one point that it literally felt like I was being split in half from the inside out. That is the best way I can describe it, and yes, I do still remember that pain!

I was given sleep meds, but never did sleep because of the pain of the contractions. Around 2am my water broke. And this is where all the details get fuzzy (I blame the inactive Ambien :)). I know that I was only 1-2cm dilated and that I got an epidural for the pain. I know that the doctor was concerned about the baby's heart rate during the contractions, which were coming one on top of the other despite my lack of dilation. I know they gave me meds to slow down the contractions and that this didn't really help. And I know that shortly after all of this, the doctor said the dreaded words "we need to do a c-section."

I asked her what would happen if I didn't have the surgery, and her response was "he'll be brain dead." Um.....well, ok then! We would learn after the fact that the placenta had been compromised due to my being past my due date by about a week. In fact, it would never have sustained the baby through a long labor and delivery. We also learned that his cord was wrapped around his neck which would have further complicated a vaginal delivery. All of this is to say, a c-section seemed inevitable for many reasons.

At 4:42am on October 4, Theodore Robert was born! Teddy was 6lbs 14ozs and was 20 inches long. He was perfectly healthy and had a head full of hair.
As I said, the past two weeks have been crazy! I can't even begin to explain the changes in all three of us. But I do remember one particular moment that transformed me. The first night in the hospital I was holding Teddy after having fed him. It was late sometime Monday night/Tuesday morning; the room was dark; I was delirious with exhaustion. My mind was still trying to grasp the fact that this was my baby; this was the baby I had been dreaming about for almost 10 months. I was memorizing his little face and his little hands were peeking out over the swaddled blanket. And then it happened.

His big, midnight blue eyes focused for just a few moments on mine. I knew that he was looking directly at me because my heart stopped for just a second. And I fell in love with him at that moment. 100%, head-over-heels, I-would-do-anything-for-you kind of love.

It's a moment I will never forget. The moment my first born son looked me in the eyes. The moment I knew love beyond measure. The moment something new was born in me too.

Cliff diving

My eyes are closed and when I open them, I'm standing on a cliff. Barefoot, there are smooth stones under my feet. Warm sun and light breeze grace my skin. Looking out all I see is clear blue sky.

And then I look down. And there is a long way to fall. I know the only way into the water below is to jump. I'm not sure when I will jump and, having never jumped before, I don't know exactly what to expect. Lots of previous divers have told me about the sting of the water, the plunge that never seems to end, the moment you think you won't reach the surface but just keep sinking. I trust these divers, but I still don't know exactly what my jump will be like.

So I take a deep breath. The anticipation feels like fear on the inhale and surrender on the exhale. I close my eyes and breathe and wait.

Dear Baby A,

One more day until you are officially due to arrive. One more day to rest. One more day to be just B and M. One more day to enjoy stillness and quiet. One more day to feel you roll and twist in my tummy. One more day to sleep whenever I want. One more day to be in between. One more day to wonder about you. One more day to carry your heart.

We spent yesterday getting an ultrasound (one last time to see you all scrunched up inside) and a nonstress test (one last time to hear your heartbeat). Everything looked good, you were shaking your head at us and opening and closing your mouth. I secretly think it was because that lady with the wand was pushing on you oh-so-hard (I know, little man, it hurt me too). And of course seeing that your kidneys and liver and bones were all looking like they ought to was great.

But seeing your beating heart (one last time) was a gift. I probably won't ever be able to see your heart again like I have over these last 9ish months. I won't be able to rely on its chug-a-chug-a-chugging to ease my worries about your safety and health. (And as you'll come to learn, I can be a bit of a worry wort at times.) I guess it just means that I'll have to look for your heart in other ways...in what makes you smile and laugh and cry and jump and be still.

And while I savor one more day being pregnant, you are one day closer to being in my arms. And in your dad's arms. We are so excited to love you face to face, one day at a time.

Love,
Mom

W.A.I.T.I.N.G

If I could input a sound into this post it would simply be a ticking clock.

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Time seems to inch by when waiting on life-changing events.

Dear Baby A,

I wish I could just insert a squeal right here instead of words sometimes! And if I could, I would...squeal, that is. It's really the only thing that I can think of to express how I'm feeling, little man. Why, you ask (or will ask once you hit that ohsoglorious toddlerhood age of why,why, why)? Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me that I am a fingertip dilated, 50% effaced, and that your head is engaged. That is doctor-jargon for "you're getting ready to be born in the next few weeks!"

After that news, your dad and I were these anxious-excited little bundles of soon-to-be-parents. We spent time (finally) packing the hospital bag, talking about ways to speed up your arrival, and hanging out watching the US Open Men's final and Monday Night Football. Your dad is still convinced you're coming early, and while I hope you do, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high.

As we get nearer and nearer the day, I have such mixed emotions. There are no words for the joy, excitement, anticipation, fear, and disbelief that I feel at any given moment. You are coming!! You're little hands and feet will soon be punching and kicking the air, and you will take your first breath. And you'll cry and I'll cry and probably just stare at you.

A whole new, unique, individual. A whole new heart beating in the world. A whole new love.

*SQUEAL!*

Love,
Mom

37 Week Pic

I'm feeling very uninspired lately with my posts! (I mean, please, could I get more creative with the title of this post?!) I think part of it is just feeling like all I'm doing is waiting and passing time (yet trying to enjoy it as well), thus there is little to say these days. My goal is to make this a place to document Baby A's growth, especially once he decides to make his grand entrance! So, in that vein, here is the most recent belly pic from last week - 37 weeks on the dot.



There's definitely a baby in there!! Oh, and in other exciting news: I've had 2 or 3 contractions so far...in the past week. Hey, progress is progress. At least I know that my uterus is capable of contracting, and hence help me attempt to push this baby out!