On adjusting

Teddy is now 5.5weeks old and I'm finally having flashes of feeling like his mom. This is something that is so hard to describe - both the not feeling like his mom and the blossoming motherhood feeling. Can I blame the former on sleep deprivation? (I think that I can still get away with that excuse for a few more weeks, so I'll milk it for all it's worth.)

The truth is what everyone says about becoming a parent is true: it is the hardest thing, the most rewarding thing, and something that can sometimes take time to develop. I never had moments of not loving Teddy or looking at him and not feeling connected. But I think my rational mind is still finding it hard to believe that he's mine. That B and I created this tiny little human. That he is not on loan to us from some relative or friend for a few weeks. These realizations are both exhilarating and terrifying.

But today? Today I've been having moments of feeling like Teddy's mom. It's in the way I can now maneuver the car seat and stroller in and out of my car in less than 5 minutes; it's in the way Teddy glances at me and there is a spark of recognition or (if I'm really lucky) a smile; it's in the pride I feel every time someone new tells me how stinkin' cute my kid is (because, really, have you seen him lately?? C.U.T.E.).

Today I feel like Teddy's mom. Tomorrow I may go back to feeling like a babysitter or a giant boob. But today I am mom.

Dear Teddy,

I'm a day late (and more than a dollar short), but I'm hear to tell you all about your first full month of life! The highlights: you were born, you ate some (and gained some weight - 7lbs 6oz as of this week), you slept alot, and you still amaze me with your cuteness. Seriously, little one, I wonder if I'll ever look at you and not marvel!

In other news, you got your first toys - a play mat on which you've spent lots of time. Mainly you just stare at the bunny rattle and cow mirror. I keep telling you to talk to the baby in the mirror and sometimes you oblige. Mostly you just make silly faces, which is just as good in this house.

You've gotten lots of presents from lots of kind people. One of those gifts included this adorable onesie from Mommy's undergraduate college. (Thanks Kati! Go Norse!) But the probably the biggest news, little monkey, is that you are beginning to smile. Just this morning I came over to you laying on the couch and started talking to you. And by golly if you didn't look me in the face and give me a big, gummy, open mouthed smile! I have a feeling you will be doing lots more smiling in the next few weeks - and hopefully you'll let me take a picture of that big, gummy smile to share with the world.

This month you've joined us on quite a ride. Life is definitely forever changed now that you are here. It hasn't always been easy or pretty. But, Teddy, you are so, so loved.

Love,
Mom

Teddy's heart = 2; Doctors' predictions = 0

You're lying there, stripped down to your diaper, content. The pediatrician places the stethoscope on your chest and the room is still. You admire the contrast of a black cord on a pale wall. Then she tells us, "I hear a murmur in his heart and I think you should have a cardiologist check it out."

And it takes a few hours for that news to sink in. The irony hits right away, of course. From my doctor telling me you didn't have a heartbeat to your pediatrician telling me there was something wrong with that heartbeat, I realize that it's no small coincidence that I'm a bit heart-obsessed.

So your dad and I venture to the cardiologist one drizzling weekday morning. We wander through a maze of doctor's offices until we finally locate a bustling practice with children everywhere. I briefly think about all those little hearts that have just begun loving, and all those parent-hearts that are so close to breaking.

I quiet you during the sonogram with slow strokes to your cheek, and you look around the dark room. Every once in a while you gaze at the black and white image on the screen. And again the irony hits me - my little baby, with whose heart I was so obsessed with seeing during the 9 months of my pregnancy, is looking now at an image not much different than I saw of his own heart. We look at your heart together.

We dress you in the cardiologist's office while we wait for her to deliver the results. Before she even sits down she proclaims, "well, he's totally normal." We nod our heads because of course our baby is normal; of course his heart is in fine working condition.

It's not until later that I think to myself, "no, Mrs. Cardiologist, you have no idea how extraordinary this little heart is to me."

Happy Halloween!

It's Teddy's very first holiday! There are really no words that can do justice to how stinkin' cute this kid is, so I'll just show you the pictures of Teddy the monkey.


Happy Halloween everyone!

The first cloth diaper

This past weekend, being the new parents that we are, we ran out of diapers. With only 2 little newborn Pampers in our possession (that will live in the diaper bag from now on)*, we had but one option: Bust out the fluff!!

"What is fluff?" you might wonder. Here is Exhibit A:
Cloth diapers are often referred to as fluff by those who swear by them due to the "fluffy butt" they create. (There are tons of advantages to cloth, from what I've read, but one disadvantage is that they will never be as slim and trim as disposables.) Given that Teddy is still under 7lbs, and most cloth diapers are made for babies 7+lbs, our smallest dipes go down to his knees. And since he has no butt yet, he doesn't so much have a fluffly butt, but more like a fluffy midsection.

I will not lie - I laughed out loud when we first put these on him. I mean, come on, it's comical, right?!!! And yet so stinkin' cute I can't stand it. (By the way, does the mom gene that is born when you have a child include a change in sight that makes everything your child does adorable?) He will grow into these diapers over the next few months, and they should last us until around his 5th month (at which point we'll get some bigger cloth diapers).

And I'll be sure to post some more pics when the fluff is more evident rather than looking like some torture device.

One last pic for good measure :)

*Beware: This post has excessive use of parentheses (no idea why, but apparently it's my thing today).

This morning

Holding this position is my new workout. I'm building arm muscles that I never knew I had.
At least one of us is comfortable (and dressed in real clothes by 10am).

Better late than never...

He's here!!!!!!! And he's already almost 2 weeks old. I realize this is not a big milestone to most, but my mind spins at all that has happened in these past 2 weeks. I'm going to attempt to write a birth story, but some of the details are blurry. However, I think the factual details matter less and less the more time passes. And the things that are crystal clear - those are the things that matter.

The facts are that I was induced on Sunday Oct 3 and that less than 12 hours later we had our little boy. After we got checked in (and the nurse told me that my blood pressure was a bit high, (um, yeah, it's called "I'm-about-to-have-a-life-changing-painful-event-happen") the doctor checked me and the induction was underway. Within in minutes I began experiencing contractions. I remember telling B at one point that it literally felt like I was being split in half from the inside out. That is the best way I can describe it, and yes, I do still remember that pain!

I was given sleep meds, but never did sleep because of the pain of the contractions. Around 2am my water broke. And this is where all the details get fuzzy (I blame the inactive Ambien :)). I know that I was only 1-2cm dilated and that I got an epidural for the pain. I know that the doctor was concerned about the baby's heart rate during the contractions, which were coming one on top of the other despite my lack of dilation. I know they gave me meds to slow down the contractions and that this didn't really help. And I know that shortly after all of this, the doctor said the dreaded words "we need to do a c-section."

I asked her what would happen if I didn't have the surgery, and her response was "he'll be brain dead." Um.....well, ok then! We would learn after the fact that the placenta had been compromised due to my being past my due date by about a week. In fact, it would never have sustained the baby through a long labor and delivery. We also learned that his cord was wrapped around his neck which would have further complicated a vaginal delivery. All of this is to say, a c-section seemed inevitable for many reasons.

At 4:42am on October 4, Theodore Robert was born! Teddy was 6lbs 14ozs and was 20 inches long. He was perfectly healthy and had a head full of hair.
As I said, the past two weeks have been crazy! I can't even begin to explain the changes in all three of us. But I do remember one particular moment that transformed me. The first night in the hospital I was holding Teddy after having fed him. It was late sometime Monday night/Tuesday morning; the room was dark; I was delirious with exhaustion. My mind was still trying to grasp the fact that this was my baby; this was the baby I had been dreaming about for almost 10 months. I was memorizing his little face and his little hands were peeking out over the swaddled blanket. And then it happened.

His big, midnight blue eyes focused for just a few moments on mine. I knew that he was looking directly at me because my heart stopped for just a second. And I fell in love with him at that moment. 100%, head-over-heels, I-would-do-anything-for-you kind of love.

It's a moment I will never forget. The moment my first born son looked me in the eyes. The moment I knew love beyond measure. The moment something new was born in me too.