On Time

I've been reading quite a few blog posts recently about motherhood and time. (Here are two of my faves.) A quote from the second link really struck me. She writes,

"Sometimes when I am having a rough week, [my mother] will tell me about how she would give anything to hold her babies as babies again."

And that's when I cried. Call it crazy pregnancy hormones or fatigue or whatever the heck you want. But I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried for the baby that I no longer have, replaced by a toddler who seems to grow by the minute. I cried for my future self, for the loss of those weighty little bodies wanting to be carried, needing to be held or fed or rocked. I cried out of sheer sadness that there are moments that pass me by, each and every day, that I can't savor because I'm distracted or tired.

I cried because how cruel is time; how long the days and how short the years. I cried out of a love I never knew, a love that has turned my heart inside out. I cried for the days that are hard, the days that are joyful, and the days that go unnoticed. Because I know there will be days in the not-so-far future where I will cry because I would love to hold my babies as babies again.

Thankful Thursday

For healthy babies

For tiny fingers

For strong hearts

For a perfectly formed spine

For Baby (girl!) a

Overheard

Me: Teddy, do you think there is a little girl or a little boy baby in mama's belly?

Teddy (without hesitation): Little gurl.

We will find out if his brotherly intuition is accurate tomorrow.

22 Months & Things

 1. Dad always jokes that one day soon you will outsmart us. I'm beginning to agree.
2. You learned your colors this month! You can consistently identify blue, red, green, purple, pink, orange, and yellow.
3. You still love to be a helper. The other day I gave you a toddler-safe knife and you went to town on an onion while I chopped veggies for dinner.
4. Second year molars are happening all up in your mouth. The first one was not pretty for about 36 hours.

5. You watched your first full-length movie: Monsters, Inc. (See above re: second year molars. It was the only thing that kept you distracted enough from the pain.)
6. The first blood-shedding injury also happened. Along with first band-aids and  first band-aid-related-freak-out.
7. Four word sentences occur on the regular. (The fact that you can communicate with words still blows my mind.)

Dear Baby a,

You are starting to make your presence much more known these days. You are kicking or punching or rolling or whatever with much greater frequency and strength. In about a week we will find out if you are a boy or girl. I can't wait to know more about you; to see your little heart and nose and fingers.

When I was pregnant with Teddy, I was certain he was a girl for the whole first half of my pregnancy. That is, until the day we found out he was 100% boy. And it took me a day or two to come to terms with my misconstrued vision of who he would be. And it took me most of his first year to come to terms with my misconstrued visions of what an infant, a toddler, would be.

One thing that I can tell you today is that I honestly have no idea what to expect with you. I have little if any preconceived notions of whether you are a boy or girl, what kind of infant or toddler you will be, what it will be like to be your mother.

I only know of one thing - my absolute gratitude that you are ours. Whoever you are, whoever you end up being, you were first the biggest gift to our family.

Love,
Mom

Thankful Thursday

For cool rain

For Skittles

For slow jogs

For skirts

For busy parks

Some days I get adventurous

And on those days I roll up my sleeves, whip up a batch of homemade finger paint, strip down the toddler, and let things go where they may.

I learn just as many lessons as him, like do NOT give a toddler a whole cup full of paint at one time nor a spoon to glob it out in big heaps.

This will not result in the cool, abstract toddler art worthy of the fridge-hang. But, it will ensure a happy, out of the norm afternoon for all involved.

And I suppose that is what makes life beautiful anyway.