I feel that!

I need to mark this monumentous day with a short(ish) blog entry!!

I FELT BABY BOY A TODAY!!!!

It happened this morning - a few quick "flutters" as they say around 9:30am. I felt him again during my 10am session (making it very hard to focus on my client, thankyouverymuch), and I've felt him a few times off on and since then. It is super hard to describe what exactly it felt like. The best I can say is that it was a cross between flutters, bubbles, and a fishy flip-flop.

Earlier this week, after dinner, I would be laying on the couch and could feel Baby Boy A physically - as in, one part of my uterus was clearly being pushed out with either his head or his butt and it felt hard! B was able to feel it too. So I knew that any day now I might be feeling movement, as clearly he was moving around in there. Alas, after a conversation with a co-worker about how I was starting to needlessly worry about him, Baby Boy A let me know that he is well and good in there.

Of course, I immediately texted B and let him know. He asked if he could have felt it on the outside, but unfortunately Baby Boy A is still a bit too little for that. B then suggested I eat more meat to beef up this kid so he can start to feel the kicks/punches/headbutts! Maybe I can convince him that sushi is a great way to do this... :)

Christmas Eve

I've been reading a few different baby blogs, written by women who have given birth within the past few months. Looking at their little ones is so much fun. And it made me have this visceral pang today - I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU, BABY A!! Here is a quote that pretty much sums up my excitement in a bit more sophisticated way:

“Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of love.”
— Maureen Hawkins

Today, the excitement is killing me. I can imagine that this (aka. pregnancy) will start to feel like the longest Christmas Eve ever. But the present will be probably the best of my life.

Dear Baby A,

Your Dad and I found out a few days ago that you are a little boy! The ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know and we both agreed. She reported, "It's a boy. 100% sure." Your Dad had the biggest smile on his face - he looked like pure excitement. I must admit I was a bit surprised at the news, but I instantly fell in love all over again with you - my little boy. I don't know what it's like to be a little boy or to grow up into a man, so I might have to leave some of those lessons to your Dad who is one of the best men I know.

But, little boy, I do know one lesson I hope to be able to teach you. Regardless of your sex or gender, your heart is still the most wonderful part of you. Never forget that. Your heart was the very first glimpse of you I had; I hope that as you grow from a little boy into a man that you will always remember to love others fully, with all of your beautiful, beating heart.

Love,
Mom

16 Weeks down

Today marks the beginning of my 17th week of pregnancy. It really is starting to fly by at this point. Apparently, Baby A is now the size of an avocado. Mmmm...avocados....food...

Anyway, despite my love of being in my 2nd trimester, I've also been reading lots of horribly sad stories of stillbirths and infant deaths. (Dang you internet and your easy access to loads of information that may or may not have any relevance to my life!) While I do feel more confident being well past the 1st trimester, I'd be lying if I said all of my irrational fears about Baby A's health and safety were long gone. The control freak in my brain always wonders, "How can I prevent this from happening to me?!" And then the rational, calm side of my brain takes over and I remember that I actually don't have control over much of this process.

I think the best thing I can do is promise myself and Baby A that I will love him/her more everyday and enjoy each day we have together. I can't control much, but I can offer more love each morning.

More love with each beat of my heart.

A Tale of 2's

I'm officially in the 2nd trimester now, which I've seen referred to as the "honeymoon" stage of pregnancy. All of the "morning" sickness and fatigue is gone, but you aren't so huge that you're uncomfortable. For the most part, this pregnancy has been easily physically (emotionally, well, not so much), so I'm not so sure that it will feel like a "honeymoon" for me. I have started to reach a few milestones that are exciting though:
1. I've had to buy maternity pants. Regular shirts I can still wear, but my pants were not cutting it.
2. I can notice the tiniest of baby bumps, and in certain outfits, B agrees that I look pregnant.
3. We heard the heartbeat on an external doppler machine at our 14 week appointment yesterday. It sounded like a little choo-choo train just chugging along. And it reminded me of all the work Baby A is doing in there while I go about my usual day.

I continue to be amazed by Baby A. That his/her body and my body just know how to work together to support and help develop Baby A into a fully independent being. It makes me think about how, at the end of this whole pregnancy process, there will not be one new being - there will be two. Baby A and mom M.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

Finding out

I realized that I might want to have this down on "paper" someday, so I figure I'll share the story of how B and I found out Baby A was on the way:

I was convinced that my period was on the way, and was losing hope that this would be "the month." We went about our normal routine - checked out a new local brewery, attended a 1-year-old's birthday, etc. And then Thursday Jan 21, 2010 rolled around. I realized that I was getting close to "late" and figured, "why not test?" I did the whole pee-on-a-stick routine and jumped in the shower confident that when I exited, I'd see just one little sad line. However, when I glanced at the pee-stick I saw two very visible lines. I did a little happy dance by myself in the bathroom and thought of how I was going to tell B. My excitement took over any creative juice I might have had flowing, so I simply exited the bathroom - towel-clad - and asked him:
"so...??? what do you think?" (insert big goofy grin on my face)
B: "Um..yes?"
M: "Yea!!"
B: "Really??" (insert look of disbelief mixed with terror mixed with excitement)
M: "Yup!"

And then I proceeded to get dressed for work, all the while doing a little happy dance. After giving me a hug and a few more words of excitement, B left for work in what I took to be still a state of shocked excitement.

I think B and I have reacted to this news much like we do any other big news - I have a significant, immediate, emotional reaction and B responds quietly, internally at first, and over time reveals his emotions. Every day he gets more and more excited - I can see it.

Just the other day, when he didn't know I was looking, I caught him drinking his cup of coffee, staring at our most recent ultrasound pic of Baby A. The thought of that moment warms my heart. We just keep falling in love.

Morning

I'm sitting here in the quiet of morning, watching the sun rise over the Long Island Sound. And I can't help but think two things:
1. How peaceful and serene and beautiful - the stillness before the day begins, a day ripe with possibility. A life to be lived.
2. In 6 months, will I be able to appreciate a sunrise despite the utter exhaustion that I'm sure I'll be experiencing?

It's hard to admit that I'm equal parts excited and terrified.