Little a

Dear Baby a,
I'm not sure quite where to start this, my first letter to you. I've written so much to, and about, your brother; it feels a little awkward to begin writing to you. You, who is so unknown and new and precious.

You were our little secret for almost three weeks. Then we - mom, dad, and brother - saw the first beats of your heart and we began sharing you with those closest to us. But even now that you are beginning to be celebrated and welcomed and rejoiced over, I find myself anxious. (You, like your brother, will come to know this side of me quite well.)

The anxiety is similar to when I was pregnant with your brother - I know that your safety is out of my control. There is nothing I can do to ensure absolute health, which is what my one wish is for you today. Pregnancy is a weird thing and carries with it a false sense of security and control. There is part of me that thinks I control my body, of which you are so linked right now. But I know better. I know how precious you are. I know, with my whole heart, what a gift you are.

And so I hope that when you realize that I didn't tell anyone about you for almost a month, it wasn't out of lack of excitement or forgetfulness or fear. It was out of true joy and pure gratitude that you are.

Love,
 Mom