A Tale of 2's

I'm officially in the 2nd trimester now, which I've seen referred to as the "honeymoon" stage of pregnancy. All of the "morning" sickness and fatigue is gone, but you aren't so huge that you're uncomfortable. For the most part, this pregnancy has been easily physically (emotionally, well, not so much), so I'm not so sure that it will feel like a "honeymoon" for me. I have started to reach a few milestones that are exciting though:
1. I've had to buy maternity pants. Regular shirts I can still wear, but my pants were not cutting it.
2. I can notice the tiniest of baby bumps, and in certain outfits, B agrees that I look pregnant.
3. We heard the heartbeat on an external doppler machine at our 14 week appointment yesterday. It sounded like a little choo-choo train just chugging along. And it reminded me of all the work Baby A is doing in there while I go about my usual day.

I continue to be amazed by Baby A. That his/her body and my body just know how to work together to support and help develop Baby A into a fully independent being. It makes me think about how, at the end of this whole pregnancy process, there will not be one new being - there will be two. Baby A and mom M.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

Finding out

I realized that I might want to have this down on "paper" someday, so I figure I'll share the story of how B and I found out Baby A was on the way:

I was convinced that my period was on the way, and was losing hope that this would be "the month." We went about our normal routine - checked out a new local brewery, attended a 1-year-old's birthday, etc. And then Thursday Jan 21, 2010 rolled around. I realized that I was getting close to "late" and figured, "why not test?" I did the whole pee-on-a-stick routine and jumped in the shower confident that when I exited, I'd see just one little sad line. However, when I glanced at the pee-stick I saw two very visible lines. I did a little happy dance by myself in the bathroom and thought of how I was going to tell B. My excitement took over any creative juice I might have had flowing, so I simply exited the bathroom - towel-clad - and asked him:
"so...??? what do you think?" (insert big goofy grin on my face)
B: "Um..yes?"
M: "Yea!!"
B: "Really??" (insert look of disbelief mixed with terror mixed with excitement)
M: "Yup!"

And then I proceeded to get dressed for work, all the while doing a little happy dance. After giving me a hug and a few more words of excitement, B left for work in what I took to be still a state of shocked excitement.

I think B and I have reacted to this news much like we do any other big news - I have a significant, immediate, emotional reaction and B responds quietly, internally at first, and over time reveals his emotions. Every day he gets more and more excited - I can see it.

Just the other day, when he didn't know I was looking, I caught him drinking his cup of coffee, staring at our most recent ultrasound pic of Baby A. The thought of that moment warms my heart. We just keep falling in love.

Morning

I'm sitting here in the quiet of morning, watching the sun rise over the Long Island Sound. And I can't help but think two things:
1. How peaceful and serene and beautiful - the stillness before the day begins, a day ripe with possibility. A life to be lived.
2. In 6 months, will I be able to appreciate a sunrise despite the utter exhaustion that I'm sure I'll be experiencing?

It's hard to admit that I'm equal parts excited and terrified.

Dear baby A

I've been wondering a lot lately.
I wonder if you'll have your dad's eyelashes.
I wonder if you'll stay out past your curfew.
I wonder what will make you laugh for the first time.
I wonder what it will be like to watch you graduate high school.
I wonder when your heart will break for the first, and I wonder if I'll be able to comfort you. I wonder if my heart will break a little too.
I wonder how you'll ever know how much I love you. (I wonder if it will be when you have a child of your own.)

Love,
Your mom

Awe-ful and awful

I loved the movie "Steel Magnolias" when I was growing up. There's a scene where bride-to-be Shelby (Julia Roberts) is asked by her friends about her wedding colors. She responds, "blush and bashful," to which her mom (Sally Fields) responds, "it looks like the church is covered in pepto-bismal!" When the church is shown to the viewer, it is true that it looks covered in pepto-colored tulle and fabric, but it's also true that there are 2 distinct shades of pink - blush and bashful - that suit Shelby's wedding perfectly.

I write all this to highlight how I've been feeling over the past week - both "blush and bashful" and "pepto-covered church." Or more appropriately: awe-ful and awful. The "morning" sickness (aka. all day sickness) has definitely hit me this past week, along with the fatigue. I've hit the bed...ok, the couch first, then the bed...by 7:30 or 8pm most nights. I'm pretty much hungry all the time, or a mix of hungry and nauseous. In short, there have been times when I've felt awful!

But this week, I continue to be in awe as well. I found a really cool website that shows what happens inside the female body as the baby grows. It renewed my sense of awe at this amazing process that my body, though it's never done it before, just knows what to do to grow this life inside. I've always been one to be in awe of biology and the human body (I can still remember visiting the cadaver lab in college, and it's probably one of my favorite class experiences). There have been many days when I've worried about my body's ability to take care of this little life. But when I start to worry, I simply remind myself that my body is healthy and knows what to do without my control-freak self messing it up! And my sense of awe at this most basic, human process calms me.

Dear baby A

It's been almost one week since I last saw you. I had an ultrasound to find out just how big you were, and there you were on that screen, looking all bean like. The most beautiful part of you to me is still your heart. That beating heart. That heart that is so teeny-tiny, yet consumes most of my thoughts.

Your dad (wow, that sounds weird to me) was there too, and it was his first time seeing you. I can't even tell you what his face looked like or what he said when he saw you, because we were both so focused on you. Taking in every little bit that we could. But afterwards, after we had called all of your grandparents and posted your little picture on our fridge, we sat together and imagined our lives with you. So many dreams and plans. So much love.

Love,
Your mom

I never knew worry until...

I was 5weeks4days pregnant. I've done lots of reading and research, but none of that prepares you for the emotional toll that awaits. The short story is that I had some concerns on Mon (5w4d) so I visited my doctor for the first time who took some blood and sent me for an early ultrasound which revealed no heartbeat. According to my doctor, based on the numbers from my bloodwork, there should have been a heartbeat. I continued to have some concerns as the week progressed and my doc advised that I was probably miscarrying and needed a D&C.

I cried and cried and cried and got angry and asked why. And then I did some more research. The day before the scheduled D&C, I called my doctor back and said "I want a second ultrasound." She obliged.

I will never forget my doctor's gasp when she saw it, her tears that came before mine as I lay on the table, the unassuming ultrasound technician just doing her daily job. There it was - just a tiny little flickering of sound waves. But I knew it was a new life, a new heart beating in me.

And I cried.