Well, we've officially reached September, aka: Baby A's birth month (we're hoping)! I have slightly mixed feelings about this day. There is a small part of me that knows I will probably have moments of missing being pregnant with Baby A. Being pregnant has, in many ways, taught me to be a bit more gentle with myself both physically and emotionally. (But I would be lying if I said I'm also not looking forward to being able to push myself in a long run again soon!)
Despite the end of the pregnancy nearing, I'm mainly excited.
I'm excited to meet Baby A!
I'm excited to see his little face and pinch his cheeks and have him grab my finger with his tiny hand.
I'm excited to get to know his personality and quirks.
I'm excited to make eye contact with him.
And I can't wait for the day when he looks at me and I know that he knows I'm his mom. That could be the day that my heart overflows.
01 September 2010
24 August 2010
Grounding
I started out today thinking I would attempt another Top 10 post. But, as I set out to think of the Top 10 Things I'll Miss About Being Pregnant, I could think of only my number 1 thing:
I will miss feeling Baby A move inside me.
Without a doubt, the very best thing about being pregnant is feeling the baby move. Now that Baby A is getting pretty squished and tight in there, his kicks and rolls and jabs can be especially powerful. The movement is rarely uncomfortable physically, but it's always a joy emotionally. I know he's safe and sound and just checking out how all these crazy body parts work.
Other people are fascinated by Baby A's movements too. I've had friends see my tummy jerk with a kick; I've had family members ask to lay their hands on my belly in hopes of feeling him roll around; I've had co-workers tell me they can feel his energy. B asks daily about what the baby has been up to and I respond in turn with updates on his movements (because really, what else is there?). I get that for all of these people feeling Baby A move is really the most tangible way to make sense of this crazy process. It's a way to wrap their head around it and begin to bond with this new little guy.
And I guess that's why I love it so much too. What a physical process this whole pregnancy thing can be. For a person who is very cognitive and thought-focused, it reminds me of something very basic. Feeling Baby A move, being pregnant itself, grounds me; brings me down out of my head
and into my body
and my heart.
I have never felt such a visceral sense of love.
I will miss feeling Baby A move inside me.
Without a doubt, the very best thing about being pregnant is feeling the baby move. Now that Baby A is getting pretty squished and tight in there, his kicks and rolls and jabs can be especially powerful. The movement is rarely uncomfortable physically, but it's always a joy emotionally. I know he's safe and sound and just checking out how all these crazy body parts work.
Other people are fascinated by Baby A's movements too. I've had friends see my tummy jerk with a kick; I've had family members ask to lay their hands on my belly in hopes of feeling him roll around; I've had co-workers tell me they can feel his energy. B asks daily about what the baby has been up to and I respond in turn with updates on his movements (because really, what else is there?). I get that for all of these people feeling Baby A move is really the most tangible way to make sense of this crazy process. It's a way to wrap their head around it and begin to bond with this new little guy.
And I guess that's why I love it so much too. What a physical process this whole pregnancy thing can be. For a person who is very cognitive and thought-focused, it reminds me of something very basic. Feeling Baby A move, being pregnant itself, grounds me; brings me down out of my head
and into my body
and my heart.
I have never felt such a visceral sense of love.
16 August 2010
Dear Baby A,
I'm at a loss for words as I think about all the things I want to say to you. As I get closer to the end of this pregnancy, there is a rush of thoughts and feelings I feel the need to share. I think it all started this past Friday when we had a chance to see you one last time on an ultrasound. We hadn't seen you in over 13 weeks and my oh my how you had changed! You had bone-shaped bones and a tiny tummy doing practice breathing motions (explains all those hiccups you've been getting lately). But the craziest thing, Baby A, was when the tech flipped a little switch to a 3D image.
And just like that, we caught a quick glance of your little face.
And just like that, you became so real, so tangible, so alive to me. Tiny little lips. A tiny little hand underneath your chin.
And just like that, you had me wrapped around your tiny little fingers. I think both your dad and I got just an inkling of what it will be like when you make your arrival and we can look you in the eyes - how our hearts will instantly grow and our world will instantly be transformed.
We are so ready for you, little man. You are so very loved.
Love,
Mom
And just like that, we caught a quick glance of your little face.
And just like that, you became so real, so tangible, so alive to me. Tiny little lips. A tiny little hand underneath your chin.
And just like that, you had me wrapped around your tiny little fingers. I think both your dad and I got just an inkling of what it will be like when you make your arrival and we can look you in the eyes - how our hearts will instantly grow and our world will instantly be transformed.
We are so ready for you, little man. You are so very loved.
Love,
Mom
11 August 2010
Laboring
This past Sunday B and I attended the Childbirth Preparation class at the hospital. It was filled with info and made Baby A's impending arrival even more real for both of us. It got me (and I think B too) thinking pretty seriously about how I'm going to get Baby A out - what do I want to have happen and what do I want to avoid.
Before the class, I assumed I would get an epidural. It seemed like the most common way to give birth and most people I know who have given birth have had one. I think I just assumed that if most women can't stand the pain then neither can I; and I had expected this class to reinforce my sense that I'd get an epidural no matter what.
However, as we learned about different pain reduction options, as well as about how the process can look "naturally" (or without any meds - and I put that in quotes because in my mind giving birth is natural regardless of whether or not meds are used), I got to thinking that med-free really might be a goal to strive towards. The biggest motivator for me not having an epidural is that I wouldn't be confined to the bed. I really like the idea of being able to move around during labor, to change positions, to be on my hands and knees, to walk if I feel up to it, or to sit in the shower if I want. All of this will continue to allow gravity to help move Baby A down and out. Once I get the epi, I'm hooked up to monitors and horizontal until Baby A makes his grand entrance.
This realization, though, of wanting to try to labor as long as possible without pain meds, is scary to me. I feel unprepared to handle what I know is indescribable pain - I have doubts that I'll be able to do it. I've ordered some books from the library related to med-free childbirth and will start reading those asap. I just wish I didn't doubt myself so much.
I want to remain flexible in my ideal birth plan - to allow myself to give birth in whatever way feels the best to me at the moment and will result in a healthy Baby A - but I also don't want my self-doubt to determine how I go about doing this whole labor-birth thing.
I have a feeling that the labor and birth, and the likelihood that I am able to give birth sans-meds, will have just as much to do with my mental ability to push as my physical ability to push. I know that my body is designed to give birth to Baby A, but is my mind?
Before the class, I assumed I would get an epidural. It seemed like the most common way to give birth and most people I know who have given birth have had one. I think I just assumed that if most women can't stand the pain then neither can I; and I had expected this class to reinforce my sense that I'd get an epidural no matter what.
However, as we learned about different pain reduction options, as well as about how the process can look "naturally" (or without any meds - and I put that in quotes because in my mind giving birth is natural regardless of whether or not meds are used), I got to thinking that med-free really might be a goal to strive towards. The biggest motivator for me not having an epidural is that I wouldn't be confined to the bed. I really like the idea of being able to move around during labor, to change positions, to be on my hands and knees, to walk if I feel up to it, or to sit in the shower if I want. All of this will continue to allow gravity to help move Baby A down and out. Once I get the epi, I'm hooked up to monitors and horizontal until Baby A makes his grand entrance.
This realization, though, of wanting to try to labor as long as possible without pain meds, is scary to me. I feel unprepared to handle what I know is indescribable pain - I have doubts that I'll be able to do it. I've ordered some books from the library related to med-free childbirth and will start reading those asap. I just wish I didn't doubt myself so much.
I want to remain flexible in my ideal birth plan - to allow myself to give birth in whatever way feels the best to me at the moment and will result in a healthy Baby A - but I also don't want my self-doubt to determine how I go about doing this whole labor-birth thing.
I have a feeling that the labor and birth, and the likelihood that I am able to give birth sans-meds, will have just as much to do with my mental ability to push as my physical ability to push. I know that my body is designed to give birth to Baby A, but is my mind?
04 August 2010
Belly Pics
I haven't taken an opportunity to post any belly pics of me yet. I had wanted to be religious about taking weekly pics, but alas, I just couldn't get that excited about it for some reason (ahem, see posts below about body issues). Regardless, I think it will be cool to gather the ones I do have in a neat little progression. Without further ado, here's the Baby A belly through the months:
Top 10
I'm trying to be a more regular blogger, but am finding it difficult. I feel like I don't have too much exciting stuff to say everyday! Life feels like a big waiting game most of the time...
So in an effort to get me going, I've come up with a few new post ideas that I'm going to give a try. First up: M's Top 10. The first of which will be (drumroll please)
M's Top 10 Favorite Pregnancy Moments Thus Far (in no particular order)
10. Having B look at me and say, "What are we going to do with a baby?"
9. Setting up the crib
8. Shopping for, buying, and organizing tiny little boy clothes
7. Free stuff from my doctor (the best things so far - wipes, diapers, and an insulated bottle carrier)
6. People's reactions to the following statement: "We're going to use cloth diapers."
5. The first time B got to feel Baby A (via a kick/punch in B's throat as he laid on my stomach)
4. The first time I felt Baby A move
3. Being able to justify my random desire for Little Debbie Zebra cakes on a "craving"
2. Naming the few stuffed animals that await Baby A in his crib (all begin with S) (don't worry - we're going to remove them once he actually sleeps in there)
1. Seeing Baby A's heartbeat the first time (duh).
So in an effort to get me going, I've come up with a few new post ideas that I'm going to give a try. First up: M's Top 10. The first of which will be (drumroll please)
M's Top 10 Favorite Pregnancy Moments Thus Far (in no particular order)
10. Having B look at me and say, "What are we going to do with a baby?"
9. Setting up the crib
8. Shopping for, buying, and organizing tiny little boy clothes
7. Free stuff from my doctor (the best things so far - wipes, diapers, and an insulated bottle carrier)
6. People's reactions to the following statement: "We're going to use cloth diapers."
5. The first time B got to feel Baby A (via a kick/punch in B's throat as he laid on my stomach)
4. The first time I felt Baby A move
3. Being able to justify my random desire for Little Debbie Zebra cakes on a "craving"
2. Naming the few stuffed animals that await Baby A in his crib (all begin with S) (don't worry - we're going to remove them once he actually sleeps in there)
1. Seeing Baby A's heartbeat the first time (duh).
22 July 2010
Dear Baby A,
Today we've made it to 30 weeks of sharing the same body. I can't believe that in 10-ish weeks you'll be an outside-baby!! This middle part of the pregnancy has sped up for sure. I clearly remember the early days - freaking out about any little twinge or "down-there" issue. I remember the long waits between doctor appointments when I would worry that we wouldn't find a heartbeat.
And then you started kicking. And you really haven't stopped!! In the past few weeks, you move in spurts - for a few days you'll be chillin most of the time, and then the next few days you'll be freaking out in there all day (and night) long. It makes me wonder if you'll inherit my Gemini-esque dual-naturedness. The one thing that I love about your kicking and rolling and moving is that it relaxes me. I never have to worry about whether something is going wrong in there, because the second I do you remind me that you are discovering all of my internal organs with your feet.
It's hard to imagine what life will be like once you're here. And I've heard that once you are born, it's hard to imagine what life was like before you were here. I feel caught in the middle somewhere, on the verge of knowing some really cool secret. It's the true definition of anticipation. I already know you, but I can't wait to meet you, little man!
Love,
Mom
And then you started kicking. And you really haven't stopped!! In the past few weeks, you move in spurts - for a few days you'll be chillin most of the time, and then the next few days you'll be freaking out in there all day (and night) long. It makes me wonder if you'll inherit my Gemini-esque dual-naturedness. The one thing that I love about your kicking and rolling and moving is that it relaxes me. I never have to worry about whether something is going wrong in there, because the second I do you remind me that you are discovering all of my internal organs with your feet.
It's hard to imagine what life will be like once you're here. And I've heard that once you are born, it's hard to imagine what life was like before you were here. I feel caught in the middle somewhere, on the verge of knowing some really cool secret. It's the true definition of anticipation. I already know you, but I can't wait to meet you, little man!
Love,
Mom
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