Staring

I have struggled with breastfeeding Teddy since his birth, really. More than anything, I've struggled with my own expectations of breastfeeding.

"I should love breastfeeding my child. It should be easy and natural, and there is no reason I would not breastfeed."

Or so I thought before I had Teddy.

I've come to realize that my expectations are far from reality (imagine that?!), and that breastfeeding is hard. Deciding to supplement with formula, and eventually moving to exclusively feeding him formula, has been even more difficult. I feel like a failure, to put it lightly. My worst, most self-defeating thought, though? "I have failed my child." Does it get any worse than that?

But then, just when I needed it the most, something awesome happened as I sat in a quiet living room, arm propped up by 2 pillows, bottle in hand.

As I memorized his sweet face, chubby cheeks, perfect little hands and let the love for him just be, I realized he was staring at me.



Happily suckling, tiny fingers grasping mine as I supported the bottle, his steel gray-blue eyes fixed on my face and did not move for what felt like forever. "Isn't it lovely that infants haven't learned that it is rude to stare," I read once. This breastfeeding-failure was never so grateful. Because, in that stare, I found peace and love and contentment. No breast needed.

The awesomeness that is Ergo

Have I professed my love of the Ergo yet? No? Well, let me clarify: I seriously love the Ergo. I've only used it out and about a few times, but just as many times I've used it while in our apartment.

Today's dilemma? Tedster decided he wanted to be the focus of my attention despite the phone calls (how long does it take to get hospital bills taken care of? geesh!) I needed to make.

Solution? Pop that child in the Ergo and sway while talking to hospital billing office.

Result?

Ahhh...sweet dreams. (By the way, cuteness overload, no? I mean falling asleep still holding his rings? I die.) Only this created a new problem. You see, the Ergo is not the most comfortable thing to sit down in when little Tedster is napping in it. The only reasonable thing to do, I decided, was 1. take the above picture to document the awesomeness that is the Ergo (oh yeah, and my cute sleeping boy) followed by 2. gently removing the awesomeness that is Ergo and placing sleeping boy ohsogently on the sofa to continue peaceful dreams.

Oh, and then of course jump up on the sofa to document the fact that I dare not attempt to slide the awesomeness that is Ergo from underneath him.

Om nom nom

I swear these cheeks were made just for me to munch on.

Dear Teddy,

Oh Little, what a month this has been. So many memories made, so many trips taken and milestones reached. You have changed so much in the last 3 months! I'm guessing that you are about 14-15lbs now and close to 24" long. So small, yet so big.


This month you have begun to show us your personality. You love to eat, and will definitely let us know how you feel about having to get burped in the middle of a meal. You can play for a good long time, but you are vocal when you have had enough. You are so strong - you can sit unassisted (for 2.7 seconds) and love to stand and look out at the world. And while you will lay on your tummy for a few minutes, you still aren't a huge fan and have yet to master the whole rolling thing. But boy do you kick!! One day you may just kick yourself right over.



I'm finding these letters harder and harder to write, Little. I think it's because so much of the time I am left speechless by you. By the way you have grown, by the things I literally see you learn, and by the way you have completely changed me. There just aren't words to describe the depth of love I have for you. Just as I watch you change from newborn to baby, you watch as I change from a woman to a mom. And there is no turning back.

Love,
Mom

Odd serenity

I'm laying face up in bed, a dull headache (lack of sleep?) pulses at my temples. I throw my arm across half my face covering my right eye. I hear your quick, shallow breathing - rhythmic and comforting; the humidifier gurgles. A (un)expected police siren blares on the street below us. The noises of the city do not disturb the odd serenity of our bedroom.

I debate whether to roll myself out of bed. Do I dare move a muscle and risk disturbing you? It's not that I don't want to see you first thing in the morning; it's that I haven't had a morning where I've waken up on my own in months. It's that to creep out of bed, across the room, and out the door would mean risking disturbing the odd serenity in your crib.

After a few minutes I decide to lightly pad, feet in fluffy white slippers, out the door. I have no idea when you'll wake, what today will bring. And so the these first few moments, before you break open the day, are quiet and ripe with anticipation and oddly serene.

When there are no words

Just when I'm ready to throw in the towel,
bury my head in the sand,
raise the white flag
in concession to this tiny, 12-ish pound human,
he goes and does something unbelievably cute to make me reconsider.

First? It was the smiling. Then? He found his hands (and more recently, his feet).

Today? I made him laugh.

And all the sleepless nights, and all the crying, and all the poopy diapers, and all the questioning of myself is instantly all worth it.

He laughed. And, heck, I did too. Because sometimes life is funny and gives you just what you need when you need it.

Firsts

It has been a very long time since I last posted. Being a mom is hectic people!!

Ok, really - honest?

I've been overwhelmed for the past month or so. I think it has been a mix of the holidays, traveling, adjusting to (stay-at-home) motherhood, lack of sleep (oh yeah, I'm still using this excuse - ahem, see picture for evidence of said exhaustion), and shorter days. But also, I've been overwhelmed with the many firsts of Teddy's short life thus far. Here is a short list of some of the awesome firsts (some of which will be the subject of other posts, I'm sure):

1. Discovering his feet for the first time ("seriously?? Those things are attached? I can move them?!")
2. Airplane ride (oh yes, we did pay $3 for his first wings because no child should be without them)
3. Laugh
4. Trip to the ocean (although we couldn't quite get his little toes in the ocean)
5. Christmas
6. Blizzard


There are just as many firsts for B and I (first time I nursed in public [on an airplane, no less], first time B has had more than a few days at time straight with Teddy since his birth). I know that this whole first year is filled with "firsts," but I'm finding these most recent ones a bit exhausting!

I'm hoping a few days rest and a few cups of coffee will do the trick for me and my little family.