January 1 usually means people are talking about weight loss and resolutions and "really meaning it" this year. For me? A different date now signifies the day everything changed. On January 21 I woke up to a new year, a new life, a new adventure, a new marriage, a new me.
This year has been full of change. From a tiny cluster of cells came my little Teddy boy. Perfect in his own way.
This year has been full of adventure. Being a parent is nothing less, I'm realizing everyday. Full of wide open spaces and uncharted waters, creating a new life is one journey. The longer journey? Learning how to be the person you want this new life to know.
This year has changed my marriage to B. There aren't words to describe what it means to look at another person and know that only you and he could create the tiny human sleeping soundly on his chest.
This year has changed me. Having Teddy has changed me. I carried his heart; it still dumbfounds me. And because of him, I am both new and old, young and weathered.
A year ago, I was on the cusp of all this, blind to what lay ahead. And so another year begins.
21 January 2011
19 January 2011
Tea Time
Today is one of those days. The bank messed up the deposit. The baby screamed a few minutes too long. The dishes won't empty themselves from the dishwasher. The disorganization leaves me pacing through 900 square feet to find a few pieces of paper.
A phone call here. An email there.
And then I realize that I haven't drank anything since breakfast. Some days just get away from us, true. But before Teddy? Never would I go a whole day without drinking anything!
So I sit down with a cup of tea, drinking in every silent naptime moment. I feel the tension in my back that I hadn't even had time to notice. But it's a welcome realization - I have awareness of myself again.
How will I ever teach Teddy balance in his life if I don't practice it myself?
So I sit with a cup of tea. And the phone rings and the email is left unread. The dishes? What is so wrong with pulling them straight out of the dishwasher to the dinner table tonight, I wonder.
Not a damn thing.
A phone call here. An email there.
And then I realize that I haven't drank anything since breakfast. Some days just get away from us, true. But before Teddy? Never would I go a whole day without drinking anything!
So I sit down with a cup of tea, drinking in every silent naptime moment. I feel the tension in my back that I hadn't even had time to notice. But it's a welcome realization - I have awareness of myself again.
How will I ever teach Teddy balance in his life if I don't practice it myself?
So I sit with a cup of tea. And the phone rings and the email is left unread. The dishes? What is so wrong with pulling them straight out of the dishwasher to the dinner table tonight, I wonder.
Not a damn thing.
16 January 2011
A Follow up to Staring
I could not have said it better.
About breastfeeding decisions.
About friendship.
http://becomingsarah.com/index.php?/becoming_sarah/comments/lactation_i_respect_your_choice/
About breastfeeding decisions.
About friendship.
http://becomingsarah.com/index.php?/becoming_sarah/comments/lactation_i_respect_your_choice/
10 January 2011
Staring
I have struggled with breastfeeding Teddy since his birth, really. More than anything, I've struggled with my own expectations of breastfeeding.
"I should love breastfeeding my child. It should be easy and natural, and there is no reason I would not breastfeed."
Or so I thought before I had Teddy.
I've come to realize that my expectations are far from reality (imagine that?!), and that breastfeeding is hard. Deciding to supplement with formula, and eventually moving to exclusively feeding him formula, has been even more difficult. I feel like a failure, to put it lightly. My worst, most self-defeating thought, though? "I have failed my child." Does it get any worse than that?
But then, just when I needed it the most, something awesome happened as I sat in a quiet living room, arm propped up by 2 pillows, bottle in hand.
As I memorized his sweet face, chubby cheeks, perfect little hands and let the love for him just be, I realized he was staring at me.
Happily suckling, tiny fingers grasping mine as I supported the bottle, his steel gray-blue eyes fixed on my face and did not move for what felt like forever. "Isn't it lovely that infants haven't learned that it is rude to stare," I read once. This breastfeeding-failure was never so grateful. Because, in that stare, I found peace and love and contentment. No breast needed.
"I should love breastfeeding my child. It should be easy and natural, and there is no reason I would not breastfeed."
Or so I thought before I had Teddy.
I've come to realize that my expectations are far from reality (imagine that?!), and that breastfeeding is hard. Deciding to supplement with formula, and eventually moving to exclusively feeding him formula, has been even more difficult. I feel like a failure, to put it lightly. My worst, most self-defeating thought, though? "I have failed my child." Does it get any worse than that?
But then, just when I needed it the most, something awesome happened as I sat in a quiet living room, arm propped up by 2 pillows, bottle in hand.
As I memorized his sweet face, chubby cheeks, perfect little hands and let the love for him just be, I realized he was staring at me.
Happily suckling, tiny fingers grasping mine as I supported the bottle, his steel gray-blue eyes fixed on my face and did not move for what felt like forever. "Isn't it lovely that infants haven't learned that it is rude to stare," I read once. This breastfeeding-failure was never so grateful. Because, in that stare, I found peace and love and contentment. No breast needed.
06 January 2011
The awesomeness that is Ergo
Have I professed my love of the Ergo yet? No? Well, let me clarify: I seriously love the Ergo. I've only used it out and about a few times, but just as many times I've used it while in our apartment.
Today's dilemma? Tedster decided he wanted to be the focus of my attention despite the phone calls (how long does it take to get hospital bills taken care of? geesh!) I needed to make.
Solution? Pop that child in the Ergo and sway while talking to hospital billing office.
Result?
Ahhh...sweet dreams. (By the way, cuteness overload, no? I mean falling asleep still holding his rings? I die.) Only this created a new problem. You see, the Ergo is not the most comfortable thing to sit down in when little Tedster is napping in it. The only reasonable thing to do, I decided, was 1. take the above picture to document the awesomeness that is the Ergo (oh yeah, and my cute sleeping boy) followed by 2. gently removing the awesomeness that is Ergo and placing sleeping boy ohsogently on the sofa to continue peaceful dreams.
Oh, and then of course jump up on the sofa to document the fact that I dare not attempt to slide the awesomeness that is Ergo from underneath him.
Today's dilemma? Tedster decided he wanted to be the focus of my attention despite the phone calls (how long does it take to get hospital bills taken care of? geesh!) I needed to make.
Solution? Pop that child in the Ergo and sway while talking to hospital billing office.
Result?
Ahhh...sweet dreams. (By the way, cuteness overload, no? I mean falling asleep still holding his rings? I die.) Only this created a new problem. You see, the Ergo is not the most comfortable thing to sit down in when little Tedster is napping in it. The only reasonable thing to do, I decided, was 1. take the above picture to document the awesomeness that is the Ergo (oh yeah, and my cute sleeping boy) followed by 2. gently removing the awesomeness that is Ergo and placing sleeping boy ohsogently on the sofa to continue peaceful dreams.
Oh, and then of course jump up on the sofa to document the fact that I dare not attempt to slide the awesomeness that is Ergo from underneath him.
05 January 2011
04 January 2011
Dear Teddy,
Oh Little, what a month this has been. So many memories made, so many trips taken and milestones reached. You have changed so much in the last 3 months! I'm guessing that you are about 14-15lbs now and close to 24" long. So small, yet so big.
This month you have begun to show us your personality. You love to eat, and will definitely let us know how you feel about having to get burped in the middle of a meal. You can play for a good long time, but you are vocal when you have had enough. You are so strong - you can sit unassisted (for 2.7 seconds) and love to stand and look out at the world. And while you will lay on your tummy for a few minutes, you still aren't a huge fan and have yet to master the whole rolling thing. But boy do you kick!! One day you may just kick yourself right over.
I'm finding these letters harder and harder to write, Little. I think it's because so much of the time I am left speechless by you. By the way you have grown, by the things I literally see you learn, and by the way you have completely changed me. There just aren't words to describe the depth of love I have for you. Just as I watch you change from newborn to baby, you watch as I change from a woman to a mom. And there is no turning back.
Love,
Mom
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